Wanted: Post flood superstar

I'm getting a gardener. Yes, yes, I know, my partner is a professional landscape gardener but no, he doesn't work on our place because he's too busy looking after a school, an exclusive lodge, a country estate and a couple of senior ladies' suburban gardens.
Pre-flood, he managed to keep our garden under control with about half-a-day's concentrated effort during the week. Now, post-flood, the property has gone feral and the chances of bringing it to heel with the few minutes a week he has to spare are remote.
So I am about to audition gardeners. I've had gardeners in the past but, sadly, none were up to the mark. The first charged more per hour than an aircraft engineer and liked to talk about gardening rather than doing it. The second had an independent streak, which meant I couldn't leave the property while he was here in case he decided to inflict a redesign on some area that didn't please him. A third liked to work naked.
This time, therefore, I'm going to ask the hard questions. I'm going to insist on psychological testing. I'm going to test for accurate spelling, the ability to read and understand the instructions on fertilisers and weed-killers, the clues to know what mix of petrol and oil goes in the weedeater, enough mechanical knowledge at least to start the lawnmower, and the technical expertise to consult the internet over whether or not wandering jew is a precious ground cover or a vicious, out-of-control monster.
Should any candidates get past the first round, the second checklist will be as follows:
Have you had/do you have your own garden?
Do you have at least 10 years' experience of gardening, over half of it in this area?
How good is your plant knowledge? Are you likely to cut down my passionfruit vine because you thought it was moth plant?

Are you comfortable with consulting books, brochures or the internet to find out what you don't know?

Are you methodical, or will you flit about the garden as the mood takes you and never get anything finished?
Have you enough knowledge to prioritise what needs to be done if I happen not to be there when you finish one job?

Will you respect my wishes when I say no slug bait or chemicals that are dangerous to animals?

Are you motivated enough to work on your own - with your clothes on?
The acid test, though, is attention to detail.
It's this that sets The Perfect Gardener apart. When he has finished mowing, there will be no lawn clippings on the path, the deck, or around the garden beds.
When he has finished weeding, the piles of weeds will be in the compost bin or on the rubbish pile awaiting burning. Flowering plants will be dead-headed and the dead heads removed from sight.
Shrubs will be trimmed into beautiful shapes at heights that allow sunlight to those behind them.
Pruning will be effected in such a way that even the tree won't know it's been pruned. Branches that hang over paths will hang above head-height only. Ponds and water features will be filled with clean water the second they start to look manky.
The Perfect Gardener will know when all the local plant sales are on and which ones are worth attending. He will know who has the cheapest mulch, and which topsoil is worth buying. He will be able to back a trailer. When he has finished for the day, he will pick up all the tools he has used and put them back in the garden shed. Then he will come into the courtyard, have a beer and give me a rundown on what he thinks should be done next.
I know he's out there somewhere. After all, if I found one Perfect Gardener, I'm damned sure I can find another. Yeah right.