Ill-considered bill barking up wrong vine

If God had meant for me to be skinny, he would not have given me children.
But it wasn't the pregnancy, breastfeeding or sleepless nights that turned my once-taut thighs into something resembling lumpy tree-trunks - it was the torture of 10 years of catering their birthday parties that did the damage.
I don't know what it is about fairy bread, Cheezels, cheerios and supermarket-bought sponge cake filled with jam and whipped cream then topped with a slab of Roman Sandal-sole-thick icing that gives me carte blanche on my calorie consumption - but it's got to stop.
All self-control goes out the window when left with a bowl of leftover jet planes and sausage rolls, so I now have a rear that's practically an axe-handle across.
Recently moving to Christchurch hasn't helped matters, because I'm choosing to soothe my nerves (which now resemble tufts of frayed old baling twine) by baking. Scones, brownies, pikelets and banana cake with peanut butter and chocolate icing.
Again I'm blaming the children. They've been off school since the earthquake and I've been compensating for my lack of skill at homeschooling them in maths by teaching home economics instead.
They can eat only so much and I hate waste - hence the extra pounds. Birthday parties are stressful, moving is stressful, earthquakes are stressful and keeping children entertained full-time for two-and-a-half weeks is stressful - but the upside is that in order to soothe my soul I've been forced to try a bunch of sensational beverages.
Something else that's giving me sleepless nights, however, is the lumbering, prohibitive and expensive piece of legislation dubbed the Alcohol Reform Bill.
Don't get me wrong - I applaud the lifting of the purchase age back to 20, cracking down on parents supplying alcohol to minors and, of course, improving the system of treatment for those afflicted with alcohol problems - but that's about where the bill ends as far as addressing the real issues around the misuse of alcohol in New Zealand.
It does absolutely nothing to promote education showing that proper consumption of wine can bring health and social benefits, and this is precisely the directive that our country needs if it is ever to achieve a "normality" drinking culture and eradicate binge-drinking behaviours, particularly among our youth.
You purchased this newspaper and are reading this column, therefore you're literate, mature, interested in the goings-on of the world, have a little bit of disposable income and enjoy a bit of food and wine of an evening.
You are the one who, I believe, will be punished by the Alcohol Reform Bill, all because you enjoy the occasional glass of wine. The Government is lumping your enjoyment of a daily glass of wine in the same class as teenagers who trawl around town looking for the cheapest bulk-buy price for pre-mixed alcoholic lolly-water so they can "load up" before they hit the clubs.
Our wineries are doing a great job of educating visitors about the process of winemaking, creating that essential interface between tourists and the winery and, of course, providing scenic surrounds for family and friends to enjoy a meal, see bands, share a picnic and take part in tastings - yet they'll be penalised financially and administratively if this bill goes ahead.
Those small wineries trying their hardest to stay out of the crazy price wars and brand-degradation taking place in the land of supermarkets by having mail-order facilities to sell their wares will be crippled financially, as fees just to have an off-license are set to skyrocket.
Cellar doors are the most delightful places and, in all my years, I can't honestly remember seeing anyone inebriated in one. They are low-risk environments, yet many will be forced to close.
Wine is a product that can be consumed in a healthy manner; it is the only alcoholic beverage that has proven nutritional content; it is a major tourism provider, with close to 200,000 people visiting wineries each year; it represents the largest single horticultural crop in New Zealand, providing tens of thousands of full-time jobs and contributing more than $160 million in excise tax and ALAC levies.
Ninety per cent of our 700 wineries and thousands of independent grapegrowers are small, family-owned businesses. Yet they'll be knee-capped once again because their agricultural product contains alcohol.
These people have invested their blood, sweat and money in New Zealand and their communities, and I know - because I talk to them almost daily - that they are acutely aware of and sincerely care about the social and economic issues facing our nation.
Penalising our wineries by pushing up prices, taxes and compliance costs won't address the binge-drinking culture, it will in fact hinder winemakers from doing what they do best - educating people about how to enjoy wine responsibly.
It will also "de-normalise" drinking by making RTDs, beer and spirits more expensive and elusive, which in turn will make beverages with high alcohol levels even more "naughty" and desirable for some of our young people.
The sale and supply of liquor needs to be controlled, but the system must be reasonable.
The bill does not recognise that there are many different types of drinkers and drinking behaviours - rather it puts you and I in the same trough as boy-racers and boguns obsessed with getting wasted at every opportunity.
That's an insult if ever there was one.
On a personal level, I am floored by our television networks' continual rejection of high-quality local programming, which aims to educate viewers about responsible wine-consumption because they show people drinking. When every night of the week we watch shows with people hanging out at the pub, getting boozed at social club functions, turning up hungover at work or urging their mates to help them drown their sorrows after being dumped by their two-timing girlfriends. A yawning double-standard occureth, methinks.
If you'd also like to see the type of Kiwi wine show that we're missing because of timid television programmers, contact me at mailme@yvonnemarie.co.nz and I'll send you a link.
Otherwise, contact your local MP and let them know how you feel.