Whether you want to eat the grapes or not, growing a grapevine is one of the most satisfying garden pursuits.
Every spring, the dead-looking stump buried in the lime chip outside our courtyard comes miraculously to life and within a few short weeks is as tall as the house and covered
in tiny fruit. It never gets fed or watered, and I randomly chop off the annoying bits whenever I walk past.
Grapes like a light, moderately fertile soil, but if drainage is good they will grow anywhere. If you don't mind sacrificing fruit but want heaps of foliage to cover a pergola and make you believe you're in Italy, throw a bit of fertiliser on your vine and you'll get very vigorous growth. It should produce fruit in its third year.
Otherwise, water it for its first summer and then only if it really looks like death. Generally, you can neglect it until the grapes start to look edible (to the birds, not to you) and either net it, or get cats. I'm using the cat option and it works perfectly.
If you want nice fruit, support it on wires, a trellis or over the aforementioned pergola, and when the grapes are ripe, simply tilt your head back and open your mouth.
