I'm in the fruit and vege aisle at the supermarket looking at the apples, feeling resentful because my granny smith, planted two seasons ago, made two apples this year, one of which fell off and rotted when I wasn't looking.
The other is still on the tree, looking small and forlorn. I haven't the heart to eat it. However, neither do I have any inclination to buy apples from the supermarket. Certainly they look fabulous - bright red and green, shiny and blemish-free. But I have squeezed a couple to see if the flesh gives and it does. If I had my eyes closed I'd think they were nectarines.
I know they will be every bit as disappointing as I expect. Soft, soggy, watery, flavourless and devoid of that crisp, gum-contracting bite that real apples have.
When I was a kid we had half a dozen apple trees in our garden. In those days, most Kiwi backyards had at least one, usually with a tyre attached as a swing. My pony usually ate all the low apples so we had to stand on the top of the tyre to get to the higher ones.
When the higher ones were gone we scrumped from the neighbour's trees, more for the fun of it than because we wanted the apples. Apple eating was really just a habit - you picked one when you went past for something to do.
Kids probably don't do that now. The word "apple" has far more to do with technology than food and I imagine that the sight of a gang of scruffy kids, complete with dog or two ranging about someone else's garden stealing fruit, would be more likely to result in a call to the police than a fond wave from the owner.
Besides, although many suburban homes probably have a number of things called "apples", they probably don't have fruit trees in the garden. Agaves and olives in pots, possibly. But apples and pears? Probably not.
However, I'm pleased to report a renaissance in apple growing as Kiwi gardeners start to realise that an outlay of maybe $60 for a couple of trees and some compost will keep them in apples for decades.
So why would you bother, apart from nostalgia? Well, home-grown fresh apples taste good. Evidently, discerning Victorians of the 1890s discussed the flavour of their apples as passionately as some Kiwis debate the finer points of wine. And there are varieties of apples that are every bit as good as a top-shelf pinot noir. Imagine creamy yellow flesh that is juicy, sweet and acidulous (lovely word) with a distinctive balsamic flavour and undertones of pear.
On a slightly less romantic note, apples are good for you. A number of components in apples have been found in studies to lower blood cholesterol, improve bowel function and may reduce the risk of ischemic heart disease, stroke, prostate cancer, type II diabetes and asthma.
There are over 7000 named varieties of apples, so it's simple to choose the perfect apple. You don't even need a lot of room. An apple on dwarf rootstock grows only 2m to 3m tall, and some you can plant as close as 1m apart. Ballerina columnar apples are increasingly in demand for tight spaces and containers, and look out for bolero, polka and waltz too. And if you're really, really strapped for space you can espalier an apple tree and gain points for form and function.
There are varieties that will produce apples for nearly year-round use. Early ripening varieties are sweet but don't store well, mid-season fruit offer a balanced blend of sugars and acids, and late, tart apples feature good cooking and keeping qualities. So if you choose wisely you won't have to execute an undignified scramble over the neighbour's fence because your own supply has run out.