Wyn Drabble: Wallet can't take any more loyalty

Wyn Drabble's wallet can't take any more loyalty cards. Photo / File

"Do you belong to our garden club?"

"Are you a member of our coffee club?"

"Do you want to sign up as one of our regular customers?"

No thank you, no thank you, no thank you.

First, I don't want any more cards in my wallet. It's full.

I have a robust leather wallet but I don't want to push my luck by overbulging it. It already looks pregnant. I like it to carry just the essentials: driver licence; one credit card; AA card. Oh, all right – and Airpoints card. Okay, my SuperGold Card too (my goal is to reach platinum and receive a telegram from Her Majesty the Queen).

Second, I don't want to be bombarded with email offers. My inbox is full. I don't like spam and I'm not impressed or lured by "last chance" or "for your urgent attention".

And, no, I don't need any more steak knives.

"How about, after four haircuts you get the fifth one free? Or we could throw in a voucher for a happy meal."

Thank you but no.

Third, I don't want to have to remember any more membership numbers or passwords. My brain is full. Besides which, "password" and "qwerty" are apparently now considered old hat and fair game for crooks. That's a real blow because they were the only ones I could remember.

Last week, one of my sons went to a well-known retailer to buy some socks. On presenting the foot coverings at the counter, the attendant asked for his phone number. He asked why he needed to give his phone number to purchase socks and was, mercifully, let off without having to divulge his details.

But, probably, they took his photograph anyway and have analysed it to yield all the information they require.

I also wonder how many loyalty cards you can have before the loyalty is negated, anyway? Can loyalty be spread so wide?

I certainly don't want to remain loyal to any supermarket which coaches its teenage cashiers to ask me whether I have any big plans for the weekend.

Youthful Checkout Person (passing my tub of baba ganoush across the scanner): So, any big plans for the weekend?

Wyn Drabble.

Me: Well, no, not really. What with the heartburn, dyspepsia and other minor discomforts, I don't leave the house too often. I can only come to the supermarket when I hit a good patch.

Well, when I say good, I guess I mean bearable. The onset of lumbago hasn't helped much either so it's not too easy to make big plans and get out much. Mind you I've become pretty good at crosswords though I can't even manage those when the arthritis kicks in on my writing hand. Still, mustn't grumble. I'm still here so that's the main thing, I suppose. Yourself?

Youthful Checkout Operator: That'll be $85.55, please. Do you have a loyalty card?

Me: A what?

Youthful Checkout Operator: Loyalty card.

Me: Oh, there might be one in this pregnant wallet.

Supervisor (interrupting): Come on, we're holding up the traffic here.

Me (turning to supervisor): Have you got any big plans for the weekend?

I can just imagine the response if I went to the information desk and asked about the possibility of extricating myself from the loyalty club and hence the database.

Information: For that you will need to log in to your account and create a new password. You will also need the names of two referees, your mother's maiden name and the name of your first pet. Also a recent pay slip.

Baba ganoush (from the muffled depths of my hessian bag): At least, for a savoury dip, life is comparatively easy.

Wyn Drabble is a teacher of English, a writer, musician and public speaker.