My phone charge was 96 per cent. By the time I gave up on the call - for give up I did - it was at 44 per cent, says Wyn Drabble. Photo / File
My phone charge was 96 per cent. By the time I gave up on the call - for give up I did - it was at 44 per cent, says Wyn Drabble. Photo / File
You could phone your bank as Mrs D did last week when she needed some clarification on a banking issue.
Or maybe not because, alas, the phone option didn't work out well and, in the end, prompted her to climb into her car and drive down to the actual bankto do the whole thing face to face!
Meanwhile I was on the phone to another type of business and here I am using the phrase "on the phone" in its loosest possible sense. I had listened to options and pressed a few numbers and then I waited. And waited and waited and waited.
Every 30 seconds or so a man came on and said, "Please don't hang up. Your call is important to us. All our assistants are currently on other calls but we will be with you as soon as possible."
I don't know exactly how long I waited but it felt rather like a geological period, only a little longer.
I was on speaker phone so I could do other things – prepare breakfast, weed sections of the garden, remove unwanted shelves, build a new wing onto the house, write a novel – while I listened and waited.
So, rather than exaggeration, you want real data as evidence? When I first switched to speaker phone, my battery charge was at 96 per cent. By the time I gave up on the call – for give up I did – it was at 44 per cent. That should give you some idea of how interminable and energy-draining the whole thing was.
And here I'm not just thinking about the inconvenience to me. Spare a thought for the poor guy who has to sit on the other end of the phone all day and, every 30 seconds or so, say. "Please don't hang up. Your call is important to us …" What a way to earn a living!
For many businesses, there's always the online option. Let's take making an airline booking as an example though I should point out that my phone experience was not with an airline.
Wyn Drabble
Let's assume you have the preliminaries – date of travel, departure airport, arrival airport – out of the way.
Computer: Will there be illicit drugs tucked in behind your undies?
Me: No. They'll be hidden in my socks.
Computer: Would you like the extra leg room afforded by one of our emergency exit aisles?
Me: Yes please.
Computer: Oops, sorry, those seats have already gone!
Me: Okay, I'll just have a knee-squasher.
Computer: Window or aisle?
Me: Aisle please.
Computer: Sorry, too late! Will you require food?
Me: Yes please.
Computer: Meat and two vege, French provincial, NZ blokey, vegetarian, vegan, diabetic, low calorie, low cholesterol, low fat, certified organic or just a sandwich?
Me: Just a sandwich thanks.
Computer: Vegetarian, vegan, diabetic, low calorie, low cholesterol, low fat, wholegrain or white bread?
Me: Look, could I just have a seat on the aeroplane? Please?
Computer: No need to get tetchy about it! Besides, you haven't even chosen a movie genre for your in-flight entertainment yet.
I'm sure you will admit it might be easier just to get in your car and drive to a travel agent. Why not let them go through all this rigmarole on your behalf?
Or you could take a leaf out of Richard Branson's book and just start your own airline.
Yes, it truly is a wonderful world we live in.
Computer: Would you like to receive emails about future offers?
- Wyn Drabble is a teacher of English, a writer, musician and public speaker.
