Wyn Drabble: Only noddies go into finance

One fine morning in Toyland, Noddy had a bright idea, which he simply had to share with his brownie friend Big-Ears who, as luck would have it, was staying overnight in Noddy's house!
"Let's start a finance company," he said, his little hat bell a-ringing.
"What a splendid idea!" replied Big-Ears. "And an insurance company, too."
"Oh what fun this will be!" enthused Noddy and the exuberant Bumpy Dog barked his approval.
The three of them jumped into Noddy's little yellow-and-red taxi and headed off to the Bank of Toyland to make arrangements and sign documents and stuff.
"Parp parp!" said the little car.
"Look out!" cried Mr Wobbly Man. "You almost knocked me over."
"Golly, that was close," said Noddy. Then, turning to Big-Ears, he asked, "Am I allowed to say 'golly'?"
"Yes," reassured Big-Ears, "as long as it is being used as an exclamation and not the name of a character."
"Don't look out for us, though!" cried one of the Skittles and, to keep them happy, Noddy drove right through the middle of them all and sent them flying in all directions.
"Golly (exclamation)! What fun!" shouted all the Skittles and you should have seen the smile on Noddy's face.
The receptionist at the Bank of Toyland was none other than Tessie Bear, who had had a bit of a crush on Noddy since about book 3. Spotting Big-Ears, she tut-tutted, "Has he been staying over again?"
"Don't you worry about that," replied Noddy, which was remarkable given that he had never even heard of Sir Joh Bjelke-Petersen.
"We have a plan and need to see the manager."
Mr Tubby Bear looked stern. "Do you have any equity?" he asked.
"No," little Noddy replied, "but we'll go and pick some in the forest this very afternoon."
Then he made a few nods of his head and the manager was won over.
Noddy and Big-Ears signed their names on some important-looking documents and, pausing only to wind up Clockwork Mouse en route, they hurried home to celebrate with a nice cup of tea and some iced buns.
To make money, they invested money and to make more money, they sold insurance policies.
Mr Jumbo insured his trunk against theft and the owner of the Toyland garage, Mr Golly (strictly in the exclamation sense), insured the entire contents of his toolbox.
Clockwork Clown and Mr Milko let Noddy and Big-Ears handle their investment portfolios.
Please now cast your mind back to the day Noddy built his house.
He had wanted to put the roof up first to keep the rain off while he built the rest so he clearly had a limited knowledge of structural integrity.
Unfortunately, his investment knowledge was similarly limited so when Mr Jumbo's trunk was stolen, alas, Noddy found there was no money in the coffers to pay out.
"What are coffers, anyway?" he asked his partner ("partner" is used here strictly in the business sense).
As expected, Mr Plod soon got wind (he often suffered from gastric disorders) of the whole debacle and came pedalling over on his bicycle, a most serious look upon his face.
He blew his whistle as he pedalled and, from time to time, he shouted, "Halt in the name of Plod" which was pretty silly really because they weren't even running away but it made him feel better because that's what he always shouted when he was in hot pursuit.
"This is very serious indeed," said Mr Plod, taking out his notebook and licking the top of his pencil.
Noddy, of course, was mortified.
Just then there came a knock at the door.
It was a knock none of them recognised. Had a new character moved to Toyland?
They opened the door and, to their surprise, they did indeed see a new character.
It was John Key, brushing some royal wedding cake crumbs from his lapel.
"Here's £500 million," said John, rather unexpectedly.
"Whew, that was a close shave," said Noddy, "but I've certainly learned my lesson."
Big-Ears looked more puzzled than pleased.
"I still want to know what coffers are," he said.
Wyn Drabble is a teacher of English, a writer, public speaker and musician.