Wyn Drabble: Metaphors in a safe pair of hands

The gold medal (for metaphors used by the commentary team) went to the Hawke's Bay-Wellington game on Saturday night.

I was in the mood for metaphors so, on Saturday, I settled in to watch three rugby games back to back on television.

There's more than rucks and mauls in a rugby game, you know; the commentary can be a minefield of metaphors, a festival of figurative language.

The first two games were, of course, part of the opening round of the provincial competition, now called the Mitre 10 Cup so I spied another possibility as well.

Each time I mentioned Mitre 10 in the newspaper, I would surely get a product promotion fee - say $100 a mention. That's $200 so far. This could be a good little earner.

The first game I watched was between Hawke's Bay and Wellington. It was for the Mitre 10 Cup ($300) and turned out to be my richest source of metaphors on the night.

"West goes to the heavens" was an early one after Ihaia booted an up-and-under. The Cridge try earned a Biblical allusion when the "defence parted like the Red Sea". Yes, I realise that's a simile rather than a metaphor but we can't afford to get too picky here.

Still on the subject of defence came my favourite from all three games. When somebody was faced with very solid defence, he ran "straight into the welcoming committee".

I liked that for its extra element, the sense of irony.

It was a metaphor of two halves, if you like. A metaphor which gets points on the board does the hard yards. Very Kiwi, I thought.

Another goodie came after a sparkling passage of play: "If this is what we've got coming for the next two months in the Mitre 10 Cup, put your seatbelts on" ($400).

I liked the suggestion of turbulence; it helped put TV viewers in the box seat. It also helped me to another $100.

Goal-kicking earned a very modern sat-nav comparison. Kicks were wayward in the first half but "the GPS is certainly working in the second half".

This must have been the sort of GPS which doesn't send you into lakes, piles of gravel or dead-end roads.

The regulars came up too: "backdoor pass", "the engine room", "infringements in all areas need to be tidied up". And a maths magician was at work after a conversion: "five becomes seven". And when the score blew out to 36-3, "there's the salt in the wound".

Still with the Mitre 10 Cup ($500), I noticed "penetration" and "probe" were reasonably popular but I'm not willing to go into those further in what is a family newspaper.

The biggest game of all - and here we leave the Mitre 10 Cup ($600) behind - certainly offered an entertaining number of points on the scoreboard but I'm afraid it was very low on metaphors.

Giteau was going to "soldier on" (albeit for a very brief spell) and Slipper went to the blood bin for a "tidy-up" and that was your lot really. Even the word "claret" failed to rate a mention.

What this game clearly needed was an injection of Murray Mexted metaphors.

"There's lots of hooters over here, Nisbo."

"And he kicks it with his left-handed foot."

"He ran like a bat" (remember we're letting similes through).

"There's nothing that a tight forward likes more than a loosie right up his backside." No, they don't make them like that any more!

But back to Saturday. All three contenders had to podium as they were the only ones I watched.

I awarded the bronze medal to All Blacks-Wallabies, the silver to Auckland-Canterbury and the gold to Hawke's Bay-Wellington. Clearly there's work to be done at the international level.

I'd like to close by saying Mitre 10 Cup ($700 - payable in cash).

- Wyn Drabble is a teacher of English, a writer, musician and public speaker.