Wyn Drabble
In the UK they have a promotional contest called the Little Black Dress Diet Challenge. It invites you to choose a size for your little black dress (preferably smaller, not bigger, than your current size) and then you diet yourself silly so you can wear it at Christmas.
There are shopping vouchers for the winners.
Well, I'm shocked!
How can we have, in 2015, such a blatantly sexist contest which ignores the menfolk who make up approximately half the world's population?
Or do they simply expect the men to shimmy into little black frocks too?
If that's what they expect, it still leaves another question unanswered: could the men choose a dress of a different colour if black didn't suit them? A pale apricot, perhaps.
This brazen display of unfestive sexism riles me so much that I am in the throes of organising a similar contest JUST FOR MEN. The use of upper case shows you just how angry I am.
The idea is that you would record your current size of stubbies then nominate your target size.
Unlike in the women's contest, colour would not be stipulated. I think stubbies could look quite fetching in apricot, for example.
Men wouldn't be left to their own devices; I would assist with such things as daily diet leaflets. Christmas day would be more generous, of course.
Breakfast: champagne, ham, scorched almonds, one thin slice of rye toast (unbuttered).
Lunch: beer, ham, scorched almonds (or substitute one chocolate Santa Claus), one stick of salt-reduced diet celery.
Dinner: beer, ham, turkey, stuffing, roast potatoes, Christmas pudding, scorched almonds, one tall glass of mineral water.
But on normal days, the suggestions would be more limited. On Boxing Day, for example, you would omit the diet celery, though I realise there will be men who are not strong-willed enough to do that so they will sneak the celery when no one is looking.
That's okay because ancient wisdom says that food contains no calories if it is eaten while no one is looking.
I would also offer helpful recipe leaflets. Here's a sample:
Diet Chocolate Cookies
a lot of chocolate
some butter
some flour
some sugar
vanilla extract to taste
1 teaspoon of Diet Coke.
Heat a small or medium kitchen to 180C and discard any celery that may be lurking in the fridge. Mix together the ingredients and taste the mixture. Adjust to your liking, checking after each addition. Try to remember what you added because you will notice the batter has now been eaten and you will need to make another batch and possibly another batch after that... etc etc.
Whatever you do, don't forget the teaspoon of Diet Coke " that's the crucial element in making your diet a success. You could double this amount but, while it is true that doubling it will make you even thinner, it tends to make the batter a little unwieldy and harder to fashion into pleasing festive shapes.
Because we're not sexist here, the overall winner of my contest will be rewarded with a pair of stubbies in the colour of their choice, a little black dress (black only) and a year's supply of scorched almonds (brown only).
Tip: don't bite too hard into scorched almonds if you have had a lot of work done on your teeth. If a dental disaster does happen, wear your little black dress to the dentist's to brighten up proceedings.
Finally, may I wish everyone a very happy Christmas and a prosperous New Year. Jolly holly, very merry, fa la la la la (repeat chorus ad infinitum*).
*Latin for "until people get really irritated and whack you with a glazed ham".
-Wyn Drabble is a teacher of English, a writer, musician and public speaker.