Wyn Drabble: Go nowhere with flying colours

Airlines have been big news fodder over the last week or so and the Aussie ones seem to have copped most flak. The big winner on the day was Tiger Airways Australia, with whom I have never flown.
I do believe that my reaction on turning up for a flight and finding it cancelled might have been a little different from those reported.
Standard response:
Intending passenger: Oh, crikey, blue! Fair suck of the sav. What's a bloke meant to do now?
Check-in Person: Don't come the raw prawn with me, mate.
My response:
Me: That's very inconvenient but thanks for alerting me to the safety issues. Kia ora.
Check-in Person: Kia what?
Me: Oh never mind. I'll just have a Tiger beer, please.
Maybe one rule of flying should be never choose an airline with pictures of dangerous animals painted on the aircraft. Go more for stylised pictures and emblems. Certainly don't fly with Venomous Snake Air which probably doesn't exist anyway.
But in Canada you can (if you wish) fly with Bearskin Airlines or Buffalo Airways. In China you can fly Deer Air or China Flying Dragon Aviation, while in Hong Kong you can choose Dragonair. In Nepal, you might be seduced by Yeti Airlines.
If you are female or have feminine hankerings, you are not forgotten: Tulip Air (Netherlands), Air Pink (Serbia) or Tiara Air (Caribbean) might serve you well. I think the pilots wear a lot of jewellery on Tiara Air, which I could cope with but I do have standards: I would never choose to fly on an airline whose pilots wear Mickey Mouse ears.
I know it's true that a rose by any other name would smell as sweet but it's also true that there are some names I just would not trust.
These are real: Thunder Airlines (Canada), Hello (Switzerland), Flybaboo (Switzerland), Bravo Airlines (Spain), Lucky Air (China), One-Two-GO (Thailand), Smart Wings (Czech Republic), Wizzair (Hungary), Slok Air International (The Gambia) and Aero Contractors (Nigeria) fail to inspire confidence somehow.
In Europe/Africa I have swallowed my pride and flown Jet4You, which you have to admit also sounds a tad budget. You buy the tickets online and they are very cheap but there is always more than meets the eye. Typical fare breakdown: cost of ticket $35, taxes $479.
In Africa I could have done worse. I could have flown Diexim Expresso (Angola), Air Corridor (Mozambique) or Jubba Airways (Somalia). Yes, these are all real.
Names of defunct airlines make interesting reading and support the idea that nomenclature may well be important: Buzz (snapped up by Ryanair), Go Fly (acquired by easyJet), Railway Air Services (nationalised and merged into BEA), Zoom (bankruptcy) and Spartan Air Lines (motto: We're saving up to buy some planes).
Of all the airlines I have flown with, the one that comes from the smallest land mass is almost certainly GBAir (now swallowed up by easyJet) which was founded in 1931 as Gibraltar Airways.
That's a pretty small place to have its own airline. For those who don't know it, it is just a hunk of rock joined to the Spanish mainland by an isthmus which serves as the airport runway - the rock itself has no suitable landing places.
When a plane is landing or taking off, barriers come down to stop all traffic because the only way into or out of the rock is across the runway. As you can imagine, this is loads of fun for the whole family. GBAir motto: We hold up traffic.
After the recent piddling in the aisle story, I've created another rule of flying: never request an aisle seat. I realise this is impossible in the smaller, one-seat-a-side commuter planes but you could always ask to sit outside.
You can also be guided by the airline slogans.
Of course, these ones aren't real but I'm sure you won't mind if I end up by having a bit of fun. You have to admit some of them would fit rather appropriately.
Jetfar: Our planes have lavatories.
Kwontass: Crikey, we're good.
Tigger Airways: We try to get you there.
Necklace Air: Let's accessorise together.
Acme Air: Our pilots are trained.
Wingaway: Sometimes your baggage arrives with you.
Ready Steady GO: Up, up and away (mostly).
Wyn Drabble is a teacher of English, a writer, public speaker and musician.