A reader shared this novelty item called My First Kiss Practice Lips with Wyn Drabble. Photo / Supplied
A reader shared this novelty item called My First Kiss Practice Lips with Wyn Drabble. Photo / Supplied
My regular reader has sent me a picture of an item I feel I must tell you about.
The timing was perfect because I had just been researching silly novelty items. Well, it's the sort of lofty journalistic probing you've come to expect from me.
I'd come up with, forexample, the yodelling pickle. This dill pickle lookalike has a button which, if pressed, transports anyone within earshot to the mountains of Switzerland. I can remember back to simpler days when we didn't have model pickles which yodelled.
And I'd unearthed the Emergency Clown Nose. The easy-to-wear red nose can effortlessly be affixed to most standard real noses in any situation where one feels the need to introduce levity.
But the item my reader shared with me is going to be a real test of my word skills because it desperately does need a picture.
The item is called My First Kiss Practice Lips and, because I already know you will be wanting reassurance, I hereby strongly affirm that I am not making this item up. I have the photographic evidence.
Before I try to describe it, let me explain how the punctuation on the packaging works and this will assure you that this is one special item.
Please allow me to list the packaging claims and see if you can pick what I am saying:
The exciting of love! Don't be a shy! It is named Brent! So soft! Now you can will be pro! It is the whole face!
Yes, it's the regularity of the exclamation marks that astounds me. No claim escapes one!
But I am extremely impressed by the fact that, each time they have used the exclamation mark, they have managed to limit it to one only!! After all, I have personally witnessed people using up to 13 exclamation marks!!! Thirteen!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So, let me try to describe this product. It is clearly aimed at girls because there is an illustration of a kiss-blowing girl on the packaging. She is dressed in passionate red.
Her picture and the punctuated claims are all on the backing cardboard. The item itself is trapped under a – possibly impenetrable – clear plastic bubble arrangement.
It is a "so soft" mask of a man's face from the top of the nose to the chin. You can practise your kissing on the "so soft" lips so that you will quickly become a "pro". And what comfort must come from the packaging claim that, "It is named Brent!"
So, are you ready, girls? Let's practise. Assuming you've managed to penetrate the plastic bubble, lower your lips until they make contact with Brent's. Now, simply practise.
Sorry, don't ask me. Just use your imagination. Move your lips around a little to see if you can stir up some passion in Brent. It shouldn't be difficult. He has been trapped under a plastic bubble for all of his shelf life. Don't be a shy.
By now you should be experiencing the exciting of love. You will now be familiar with what it is like to kiss the lips of a rubbery mask called Brent. Your money has been well spent.
Of course, such pleasure does not come without warnings. "Choking hazard. May contain small parts," for example. Best not to mention the small parts claim to Brent.
Also on the pack: "Warning. Love is pain. Prepare for heartbreak."
But the only other packaging claim has me a little bamboozled. It says, "Obvious plant." I'm assuming that means it is made of 100 per cent vegetable matter which I suppose is quite good news.
If things don't work out in the passion department, you could always eat Brent.
Wyn Drabble is a teacher of English, a writer, musician and public speaker.
