Wyn Drabble: Five elements for making great telly drama

Wyn Drabble comes up with an idea for a television drama. Photo / File

So, I hit on an idea to fill some of the idle hours on my hands. After all, there's a limit to the number of times you can unstack and restack firewood.

Not only would this idea keep me active and busy through this crisis period but, in the end, when this messy business was all over, it would be a good little earner for me. I would write a compelling TV drama script.

Unfortunately I don't have a deep history of watching TV dramas so I might lack experience when it comes to the required elements but I felt pretty certain that if I satisfied five main criteria, I could pull this whole thing together successfully.

The first criterion was to have characters. Nothing fussy here – just a man, a woman, a boy and a girl as main characters. The man would be sort of Nordic and handsome while the woman would display jaw-dropping beauty and quite generous ... well ... you know.

The younger ones would just be standard-issue children, gazing at their phones.

I created a smattering of minor characters as well: a man with super-coiffed hair and an orange face; an athletic African-American who always wears a tank top and works as a fruiterer; a rampant feminist with a severe hairstyle and thick hosiery.

To keep things simple, all my characters would be called Bob, except the fruiterer who would be called Vernon.

These characters would enable me to communicate important thematic concerns such as ... such as ... I'll have to come back to you on this one.

The second criterion was a car chase (possibly involving a Standard Vanguard) through the streets of Stratford with occasional glimpses of dairy farms and Mt Taranaki in the background. The getaway driver would be Vernon but I haven't quite worked out why as yet – something to do with the high price of cauliflower, perhaps.

The third must-have was some sort of steamy sex scene. Tastefully done, of course. None of your graphic, in-your-face, visual details. Just plenty of noises. And creative use of hosiery.

Which brings me to number four which was, you guessed it, the involvement of a furry animal. The pet belonging to our two lead characters, Bob and Bob, was a fluffy collie which was capable of rescuing the children from quicksand and that sort of thing. Its name was Bob.

While some of the human characters might take a bit of a battering, I would ensure that no animals would be harmed.

And so to the final criterion and, if I say so myself, I believe this is where my real strength lies. Boy, did I come up with a powerful and meaningful storyline for the seven Bobs and Vernon!

What happens is – brace yourself here – that a virus sweeps the planet, causes the end of international air travel (except when essential) and forces the world's population (including my seven characters and the dog) into lockdown, necessitating their living in bubbles, fashioned from perspex by a crack team of perspex bubble-makers from the set design team.

Okay, I'll admit that all the trivial details were not yet finalised but I'm sure you'll agree there was enough there to attract any discerning TV director.

I hope you can imagine how hurt I was after submitting my proposal in rough draft form and having it rejected. Oh, they liked the characters and the car chase, the use of an animal and the steamy sex. One particularly liked the hosiery details and thought there should be more of them.

So, no issues with any of those.

But they claimed the storyline was too far-fetched!

Wyn Drabble is a teacher of English, a writer, musician and public speaker.