Wyn Drabble
A couple of motoring stories tickled my fancy recently (yes, of course I have a fancy).
That means it's time to put this trusty keyboard into top gear (a little motoring pun there) and write Motoring Musings, a light-hearted but environment-friendly look at news about our four-wheeled friends.
What qualifications do I have? Well, I'm a motorist and my car has pretty advanced features such as an electronic dashboard dipstick and run flat tyres. The tyres have yet to be tested in a real puncture situation but I'm sure that, when the crunch comes, they will indeed run flat and I will be moderately impressed.
Honda have created a 3D-printed van but, shock horror, they only printed the external panels and cargo section. The rest must have been made by the time-honoured method of manufacturing bits and assembling them.
Unfortunately the panels are made of paper which limits its speed to about 70km/h. Well, you wouldn't want the wind to rip your delivery van!
Another drawback is cost. Here I have no actual figures to support my argument so I will be making some up. A standard, factory-built delivery van might cost you $25,000.
To create a 3D-printed one, you will need a 3D printer costing $4.5 million plus GST.
Perhaps you should also print out a 3D repair kit so you can do repairs on the go.
My second motoring story is not for the hoi polloi. More specifically, it is for Californian Bentley owners.
The folk at Bentley are (quite rightly) concerned about wealthy owners having to join the great unwashed at the petrol pump so are trialling a "concierge refuelling service" (I put that in inverted commas to make it look even "sillier").
Bentley will send a tanker to you and a white-gloved attendant will not only fill up your Bentley for you but also wash the windscreen, check the oil level and tyre pressure and, no doubt, empty the ashtrays. If you're a non-smoker, they might 3D-print some cigarette butts for you so you don't miss out on any of the services available.
Or perhaps Bentley could offer new cars with ashtrays that are "ready-filled" for your convenience.
A couple of years ago Chinese drivers were confused by an "art installation" at a very busy intersection in Chongqing City. Apart from its obvious "inverted commas", it featured 20 sets of traffic lights all pointing in different directions and all showing different signal colours.
I have no idea whether it is still there but initially it caused queues of concerned motorists who obviously couldn't tell the difference between functional traffic lights and traffic lights as art.
You might be interested to know that Prince Philip once had a private Aston Martin modified so that his wife could check her millinery on the trot, as it were.
This was well before 3D printing so it was all done with an extra, strategically-placed vanity mirror.
Meanwhile, the hoi polloi would have been driving more modest vehicles such as Morris Minors. This classic people's car was built from 1948 to 1971. They were pretty basic and included no facilities dedicated to checking millinery.
In 1960, Morris produced their millionth vehicle. This was such a landmark that they produced 349 "millionth" cars (extra charge for inverted commas). Last year a lilac-coloured millionth car sold at auction for £25,760.
My main memory of the Morrie is driving one across the hills to Waimarama Beach. On the steeper hills, one had to pedal.
So what do we here at Motoring Musings predict the future will hold for motorists?
My pick is a self-driving, 3D-printed, paper sports car with free concierge refuelling and, for women buyers, a free hat.