One researcher rates the border collie as the most intelligent breed of dog. Photo / NZME
Dog owners all know the signs of intelligence in their dog.
Their canine will recognise, for example, the very, very, early signs of going for a walk, going for a ride in the car, mealtime.
They might pick up early signs even before their owner has given the slightest thought to any of these. This could happen on the previous day.
They will also show territory-protection intelligence by barking loudly when a threat is approaching. This is quite a remarkable feat given the number of varied threats available: other dogs, a courier driver, a sparrow, an autumn leaf, friends. ("Just text when you get here. Don't knock. No need to involve the dog.")
But owners' responses are not really scientific evidence; for that we need to turn to a scientist. Let's try Professor Stanley Coren of the University of British Columbia in Vancouver.
His research team used tests originally designed to illustrate the development of language, pre-language and arithmetic in human children. What they discovered was that dogs differ from young children in that they don't bring home finger paintings to stick on the fridge.
They also found that our canine companions are capable of understanding up to 250 words and gestures, counting up to five, and performing simple mathematical calculations (quadratic equations are out).
Nor do their clumsy paws enable them to sign family greeting cards but yet another study has shown that 70 per cent of dog owners are very understanding and do it for them.
I turned to our dog.
Me: Are you please able to confirm these findings?
Madam Dog (vigorously licking my hand): Woof.
This meant, the researchers deduced, that the average dog has roughly the linguistic skills of a 2-year-old child.
Two-year-old child: Would you please put this finger painting on the fridge?
Madam Dog (licking the painting): Woof.
The researchers also ranked the 10 most intelligent and the 10 least intelligent breeds of dog but I won't reveal those until the end or you might be distracted.
Other studies have focused on whether dogs have a sense of humour. Charles Darwin said "Dogs show what may be fairly called a sense of humour, as distinct from mere play." When the dog retrieves a stick and then backs away when the owner comes to retrieve it, it is engaging in (and generally enjoying) a practical joke.
But do they actually laugh? Ethnologist Konrad Lorenz said in Man Meets Dog that after the "bow" which indicates a desire to play, "the slightly opened jaws which reveal the tongue, and the tilted angle of the mouth which stretches almost from ear to ear give a still stronger impression of laughing ... which becomes so excited that they soon start panting."
Who am I to argue with an ethnologist?
Animal behaviourist Patricia Simonet doesn't argue either. With a spectrograph (get one from your local pet store) she analysed dog sounds and discovered that they "emit a very specific pant when they play".
When she played this "dog laugh" to other pooches, they responded "by play-bowing, wagging their tails, or play-chasing".
Okay, we've made it to the end so here are the promised lists but first, an interesting fact. The Norwegian lundehund is the least popular dog breed and the only breed created for the purpose of hunting puffins.
Please remember these are not my rankings but those of proper researchers.
Most intelligent: 1. Border collie 2. Poodle 3. German shepherd 4. Golden retriever 5. Doberman pinscher 6. Shetland sheepdog 7. Labrador retriever 8. Papillon 9. Rottweiler 10. Australian cattle dog.
Least intelligent (I have jumbled the order here in case the ranking causes arguments): bloodhound, Afghan hound, basset hound, basenji, Pekingese, mastiff, bulldog, beagle, chow chow, borzoi.
Madam Dog: Lol.