Wyn Drabble: At last a real estate man gets real

Sometimes I read real estate advertisements but it's not because we're in the market for a new property. No, I read them for entertainment. The badly written ones provide a few chuckles with their ambiguities, non-sequiturs and inappropriate or incorrect word choice.

But it's the exaggeration that provides most of the entertainment. To cite just one example, some vendors have learned from the Fred Dagg School of Real Estate that a window should be listed as "views" and a big window should be listed as "sweeping vistas".

How refreshing it was, therefore, to read last week of a British estate agent who tried a more honest approach and has been rewarded with a flood of interest and one (unaccepted) offer from prospective buyers.

The Northumberland house, which is on the market for $525,000, starts off sounding appealing enough with its prime central location on one of the town's best streets. But read on.

"Looking unremarkable from the outside, it deserves further investigation, from the monumental masonry cracks as soon as you open the door, to the crumbling handrail and dodgy stone steps leading to the garage and small garden."

But wait, there's more.

"The property itself has a rather shabby exterior which is compounded immediately upon entering the property by a matching disregard to what may be generally considered habitable and, being untouched by the 21st century, will require blood, sweat and tears to haul it anywhere back to modern tastes." (I haven't seen "haul" used so well in years.)

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Now, back to the real estate. This agent referred to windows as windows and even added that they were "stuck closed by paint". Views did, however, earn a mention - "unfettered" views of the town car park - though mention is made of the local castle in the distance (you might need to stand on tippy-toes for this).

Other alluring features include "tatty" carpets (held together by tape in places), spider webs and a "gloomy" downstairs toilet.

And, to seal the deal, the agent even suggests that, after viewing, potential customers should use the "adequate" bathroom to "rinse away any accumulated grime".

It all suggests that advertising in general might benefit from an honesty overhaul and a gloss removal. With that in mind, we close today's offering with a message from our sponsor:

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Wyn Drabble is a teacher of English, a writer, public speaker and musician.