MP Shane Jones should be nominated for New Zealand Political Quote of the Year, reckons Wyn Drabble.
Wyn Drabble is a teacher of English, writer, public speaker and musician. He is based in Hawke’s Bay
Good evening or good morning, depending on whether you operate on the imperial or metric system.
Welcome to Wyn Network News where the offerings are mostly gloomy and silliness is mercilessly exposed.
We begin with breaking news. United States President Donald Trump has just announced that he has changed his mind about Ukraine. He thinks he might like it now despite recently releasing a press statement that he didn’t.
Last week – we’re not the quickest news in the pack – Shane Jones upset the EPA with some very unpleasant remarks which raises two pertinent questions: what exactly is the EPA, and who is Shane Jones?
The EPA is the Environmental Protection Authority, a New Zealand government agency tasked with national environmental regulation.
Shane Jones is a solidly-built man who regularly upsets people with his ill-considered utterances. In his recent comments about the EPA, he used the word “exterminated”. Enough said? Almost!
But two of his other comments will surely be nominated for New Zealand Political Quote of the Year. In dismissing EPA concerns about his comments, Jones called it all “snowflaky chit chat” and suggested some of the staff may be “better suited to an ideological nunnery”.
Good luck with the awards, Mr Jones.
We interrupt this bulletin for more breaking news. US President Donald Trump has announced that he has changed his mind about Israel. The White House press release simply says: “Whatever he said last time is now wrong and what he thinks now is … we’ll get back to you on this”.
In November last year … please allow me to stop and explain the time lapse.
We may not be the quickest news in the pack but we’re not THAT slow so let me explain that the incident occurred last year but the court case was just last week (a week’s lag is probably our default setting).
Last week’s court case was for a couple who were, shall we say, over-amorous on a flight from Auckland to Nelson last November. We’re not here to make a ruling on the fine line between petting/heavy petting/indecency but as the plane descended, things escalated to what we shall call a non-nunnery level. In my day, you just got a boiled lolly.
The male has been sentenced to six months of community detention and 12 months of supervision, a sentence which, as well as the airborne indecency, also covered other unrelated offending. The female will be sentenced in November so Wyn Network News should be onto it by December. Roughly.
We interrupt this bulletin for even more breaking news. While addressing the United Nations, President Trump called climate change “the greatest con job perpetrated on the world”. Later he announced a 50% tariff on all climate change but soon after said he would raise that to 100%. Because he could.
Last week it was revealed that a Nelson meat thief had been caught hiding bacon down his pants and two legs of lamb in his backpack. There was a string of other historical shoplifting offences as well, and much of the booty was found down his trousers.
In another supermarket spree the same offender managed to hide steak, cheese, a noodle bowl, an energy drink, beauty products, and Neurofen medication in his hoodie pockets and down his trousers. You could say he was caught with his pants down while they were up. Full up.
Just enough time left to cross to more breaking news. The White House has advised that President Trump is about to announce a change of mind but he has not yet decided on which issue because there are simply so many to choose from.
And finally, the weather forecast: gloomy.