The pies have it - or do they? Wyn Drabble

The fact they're not healthy is one of the factors that attracts us to pies, writes Wyn Drabble

Opinion

Wyn Drabble is a teacher of English, writer, public speaker and musician. He is based in Hawke’s Bay.

OPINION

A retail outlet I sometimes purchase from has changed to a different brand of meat pie. Eating one recently raised the question of exactly what a pie should deliver. It is, after all, a Kiwi “cuisine” icon, even a cultural icon.

I’m not talking your foodie/gourmet pie, eaten from a china plate with proper cutlery and alongside which a glass of fine wine might not look inappropriate. I’m talking about the everyday pie that is affordable, favoured by so many New Zealanders and available from pie warmers in service stations and dairies. It’s mince‘n’cheese for me!

To me there are two important general criteria (or pieteria). The first is that it should not be possible to apply the epithet “healthy” to it; not being good for you is one of the factors that attracts us to pies.

We love the fatty pastry and the overuse of salt. Fat is flavour, salt is lip-smacking satisfaction.

I realize that nutritionists are already shouting vehemently at me here so it’s timely to add that I’m certainly not advocating consumption of pies every day. I am simply suggesting that there is nothing wrong with an occasional “treat” as part of a balanced diet. Such treats help keep us sane.

The second criterion is that they should be fit to eat straight from the cellophane bag and even while the consumer is moving. Surely this is a key reason pies are so popular in this country. They provide food on the go that ticks a lot of boxes for Kiwis.

So, time now to go back to the changed brand mentioned at the start of this piece. No complaints about the taste; in fact it might even have outperformed the original in the salty, fatty deliciousness department.

But there was a rather different result for the ease-of-eating criterion. I had no trouble with the previous brand; I could, if necessary, munch and walk at the same time without issue. Even running while eating was probably possible but, alas, after my hip replacement my surgeon advised me against jogging. I’m not one to argue with a trained surgeon!

The new brand of pie introduced itself strongly. My first bite saw gravy-lava issuing from a breach in the pastry shell. After another chomp there were several fissures which were forced even wider apart by the gradual egress of the filling which was thick enough to hold its drooping shape for a minute before plopping to whatever was beneath.

Some of the lava splattered onto my shirt (and, yes, it was a pale one). Ensuing rivulets of gravy and molten cheese made their way over and between my fingers lending weight to the old adage: never stand near a spewing volcano. (Sorry, I admit I made up that adage.)

I was considerate enough to cut the pie brand a bit of slack; there was the possibility that mine could have been a dodgy one-off, a freak of the manufacturing process. Some days later, to ensure it was from a different batch, I tried another of the same brand from the same retailer.

Same lava, same fissures, same burning. I scraped the second half from the cellophane package onto a plate, sat at a table and ate it with cutlery.

My challenge to pie-makers should be easy as pie. Simply give your CEO a complimentary pie then take him or her to a park bench. Finally, while the pie is still piping hot, get your CEO to sit down and eat it.

Call it a pie in the sky idea, if you will, but I have a feeling that change might ensue. It’s certainly worth a crack.