The Hits: Trying to keep the blue words silent

The Hits DJs Megan Banks and Adam Green. Photo / File

The great about hosting a live radio show each morning is the amount of useless information that you read in the hope you can turn it into something to talk about. It usually starts with "a recent study".

This week we discovered that "according to a study, the average person does THIS 2 million times in their life" ... what is it?

Well, the answers were coming in thick and fast. Was it picking your nose, was it farting, was it yawning? (yawn, no it wasn't). The answer was swearing! After a quick wee calculator check on our phones, we worked out that if you lived to be 75, you were swearing around 73 times a day!!

Well bugger me, that seems like a lot right?

Back in the day, growing up on a farm the odd swear word from Dad usually at the farm dogs was a bit of a rite of passage, but to their credit our parents never really swore in front of us.

I think my younger brother took the cake though when on his first day of school, he got sent home for calling a girl the official word for a female dog. She hadn't tried to take his cake, but she had tried to take his Shrewsbury biscuit that he had been saving for play lunch apparently.

I always thought I was quite good at keeping the lid on the blue words in my vocabulary until I became a mother.

Never have I wanted to swear so much as I do now. Admittedly it's all in my head or under my breath, so I seem like the crazy person always talking to myself, but on a day-to-day basis there are a lot of reasons to swear.

Triggers that warrant silent swearing and in no particular order are:

Kids: "Mum, where is my shoe?"

Me silently: "I don't know but it's not up my #*&^%# bum".

Me: "Kids what do you want for dinner?"

Kids: "Lasagne"

Spend four hours making lasagne for kids to say: "I hate lasagne".

Me silently: "Are you *%#@* joking me!"

And the best one as you step on a piece of Lego in the middle of the night (but this particular rant is never silent): "Oh my *%#@* god, why do you little *%%##* never pick up your *%#@* toys!!!! "

Actually there you go, at least 100 a day, easy! According to a recent study that is.

- Megan Banks