Our national game has sunk below the surface: Wyn Drabble

The world needs more zany Monty Python humour, writes Wyn Drabble.

When I first read it, I was in disbelief – but also hopeful.

I was hopeful because lost Monty Python tapes might have been found; there could be more of that zany humour to brighten our lives.

If you are old enough, you will possibly remember the 20-second episode called “How to Recognise Different Parts of the Body” which featured “The First Underwater Production of Measure for Measure”. The presenter, John Cleese, was up to his chest in the ocean explaining to the audience about the dramatic power of the sea.

The camera moved across the briny where bubbles from under the water emitted gargled/gurgled/garbled Shakespearean dialogue before two aquatic actors surfaced, quickly inhaled and then re-submerged. Nearby on the oyster beds – as you would expect – Formula One racing was taking place.

And, not too much further away, Hello Dolly was doing quite well.

So you might have guessed that what I read was the news item that a team from Auckland was heading to Brisbane last weekend to compete in the Australian National Championships of ... of ... I’m not finding this easy ... underwater rugby! I have not made this up.

The article about moist footie did not explain how spectators are catered for. Do they have to don wetsuits and head underwater too? Imagine the burst of bubbles on the surface if the crowd cheered for a try.

Or perhaps they just peer over the edge of the pool? But there wouldn’t be room for the 50,000 you might expect at the better-known, land-based version of the game.

And where would the battered saveloy stand be situated? Wouldn’t the batter get soggy? Would there be ball boys? So many questions!

But enough of the peripheral details, the accoutrements of a match; what of the game itself?

There is a subterranean basket at each end of the pool and each team’s goal is to basket the ball. The ball used is filled with saltwater to decrease buoyancy otherwise it would keep popping out of the water and it could turn into something more akin to water polo. Or a balloon festival.

Apparently the hard knocks of land-lubber rugby are softened by water so there is no painful contact. Nor are there scrums, lineouts or goal kicks. All of which suggests to me that there’s not a lot left of the original game.

The game has a reasonably long history. According to the article I read, it started in the 1960s and has spread through Europe, South America and Australasia. The Auckland team’s coach is a native of Colombia.

As you would expect, it got me to thinking about other activities that could have submarine versions which I could become famous for inventing. Ballet is out because synchronised swimming is already well under way. What about competitive underwater pavlova-making? Or embroidery? Underwater origami?

Apparently underwater hockey already exists. Unlike the wet-rugby version, wet-hockey players wear snorkels so they are not allowed trips to the surface for air.

I think pavlova-making, embroidery or origami would benefit from the snorkel clause too. You wouldn’t want to be popping up to the surface all the time while you were trying to whip your egg whites to airy stiffness, for example.

Submarine orienteering exists too but that involves scuba diving equipment and I’m really trying to keep things simple and low cost. I also thought of underwater sky-diving but eliminated it for the same reason.

What about underwater croquet? No? Not even if you were allowed one penguin per team?

Underwater butterfly collecting? Bird watching? Trainspotting? All no?

Sorry, I’ll have to give it some more thought so I’ll need to get back to you.