US swimmer Ryan Lochte has made an art of distorting the truth. Photo / AP
More than a decade ago, a daughter attending Raureka Primary School came home one day with a gingerbread man wrapped up delicately in tissue and encased in a cardboard box.
The challenge for the entire class was for every child to bake a stylised human cookie at school then guard it with their lives for a week, as if it were a newly born baby.
The apple of my eye did incredibly well for the best part of the week but, two days before the deadline, a red eye was missing and teeth marks on both ears were tell-tale signs that she had failed to a certain degree to uphold such values as will power, trust and responsibility.
To this day, she is the only one who doesn't remember how that happened but, with a grin, recalls other classmates' gingerbread men looked worse for wear.
In that vein, their fallibilities can be passed off as human nature and part of growing up.
Even when such behaviour surfaces late into the teenage years, it's still tolerable if not pardonable.
But what can we make of American swimmer Ryan Lochte?
Should the world, least of all the United States, pass his "conduct unbecoming" merely as stupidity or tomfoolery?
Hell, no. At 32, Lochte has to be a drongo who shows all the traits of venality.
Narcissistic to the hilt, he shouldn't be allowed to walk away scot free with a rap on the knuckles - as you would a child who looks you in the eye to deny that he broke the ornament with sentimental value on the mantelpiece because, as he was turning around, his elbow somehow sort of clipped it off its perch.
For the record, the multiple gold medallist was the old rooster on the night out with fellow swimmers Jack Conger, 21, Gunnar Bentz, 20, and James Feigen, 26, in the wee hours of August 14 when Lochte claimed fake police officers robbed them at gunpoint at a Rio de Janiero petrol station.
As it turned out, they were telling porkies.
CCTV footage shows the four ran amok, smashing toilet doors and urinating on walls, prompting armed security officers to demand payment for damages at the barrel of a gun.
The first time I saw Lochte telling his story on TV it sounded as compelling as his bleached hair and as sincere as his eyes hiding behind designer shades.
As a journalist, I wondered why TV wallahs weren't homing in on the other three revellers.
Lochte, not long after, deserted his three teammates, who had to face the music in Rio, to jet back home, posting dumb remarks on social media.
The red herring soon surfaced. Cor blimey, Lochte had even lied to his mother.
Put your hand up if you have never lied to your mother.
That is not the issue here at all. I mean, it takes something special to dislodge Republican presidential hopeful Donald Trump from the front page of publications and on TV.
In the unlikely event Trump becomes the US president, he should appoint Lochte American ambassador to Brazil and station him in Rio.
This swimmer's implausible assertions had further tarnished the image of a Third World country that already was under scrutiny for its inability to ever pull off a sporting event of Olympic proportions, never mind ensuring people's safety amid fears of crime and the Zika virus.
For a few days it gave those detractors more ammunition to reinforce their propaganda on the IOC's perceived myopic decision to allow the first city from the South American continent to stage the Olympics.
Spare me the dribble that Lochte is only human and made a frivolous mistake.
It's criminal, he's a disgrace and resoundingly delusional, although the other three deserve some leniency because of their age.
The US is, not surprisingly, divided - if the internet is anything to go by.
Some, including the media, still seem to be on a quest to discredit Brazil and its "corruptive elements" for reasons why such forthright American citizens would be led astray.
For a country that takes the moral high ground on Russia's alleged systematic doping and Fifa's corruption, it's interesting to see how the sanctimonious US Olympic Committee will handle the four.
Lochte simply couldn't bring himself to admit that he was a lair.
Nope, he simply "over-exaggerated" the incident, overtly expressing all the symptoms of denial in the NBC interview as he avoided looking presenter Billy Bush in the eye.
Frankly, "Liar, Liar, Speedo on fire" is a great catchphrase for marketing.
Any suggestions of mitigation for the four due to security officers brandishing guns is rich, considering police in the US shoot their own at point-blank range despite suspects putting their arms up in the air or while, on command, reaching for identification.
Four major sponsors, including Speedo and Ralph Lauren, have dumped Lochte from lucrative contracts.
But the ageing Lochte-ness Monster isn't going to disappear from the lake of deceit just yet.
"I'm swimming for another four years so, however long my suspension is, what the USOC says, I'm going to get back in the water and keep going," he reportedly said.
Watch out although retired pro cyclist Lance Armstrong seems to be doing just fine after doping the world.
Lochte's fall from grace is further evidence that an Olympic gold medal isn't necessarily a ticket to prosperity, any more than social media is a platform for global marketing.
Perhaps the IOC needs to consider fool's gold medals for halfwits such as Lochte who blame the booze for their boorish behaviour.
For what it's worth, the world's an oyster for the gingerbread man class of 2003 from Raureka School.