Our LMC or healthcare provider will be checking our fundal height regularly to track the baby's growth and perhaps a vaginal examination if required. It usually continues during labour and birth - think back rubs, massage, counter pressure, being physically supported, holding hands, vaginal examinations, skin to skin with your delicious baby after they're born and breastfeeding ... touch, touch, touch, touch and more touch!
Not all mums feel touched out after having a baby, but many, to put it simply, just can't stand physical affection after caring for one or more needy kids all day. For these mums, a gentle touch from a partner can start to feel like a demanding grope. It's not an acknowledged psychological disorder or physiological reaction, but colloquially, feeling touched out is something mums have started to open up about. It's common among primary caregivers, particularly mums who breastfeed.
The reasons that this occurs might vary slightly, but it could go a long way in explaining a study that was carried out in 2018 which found the primary caregiver only has 32 minutes to themselves a day - and that was before the pandemic.
So, I can hear you saying, "Okay, so this is normal, what can I do to make it easier?"
Take a break
One of the first things you can do is to take a break from the situation. This way you are ensuring yourself a short break not only to recharge for the moment but to recharge for when your baby needs you next but more importantly, creating a space where there is no physical touch occurring. Not only will this save your overstimulated body from the point of wanting to reject any further physical touch, but it will also begin to set up boundaries again for your body.
If you're breastfeeding, it may mean taking some time away from the family after feeding to just focus on yourself. This could entail getting in a workout, taking a bath, sitting at the back doorstep or anything that is done just for you. Taking little breaks could pay off with massive dividends when it comes to feeling touched out in the future.
Talking and listening to each other
What do you need? How was your day? What happened? This is communication 101, right? But really, it makes all the difference. Being able to talk about the details of your day (however profound or mundane they might be) and to be truly heard with undivided attention ... sometimes there isn't anything better. This is a great opportunity to ask for what you need. Do you need a break? Maybe to go lay on your bed for some free untouched time by yourself. Do you need to get out into the fresh air for a walk? It only takes 10 minutes. And to have your partner hear you and give you that space is such a loving gesture. It really makes all the difference.
Understanding it's normal
Not realising that feeling touched out is a normal part of motherhood, many will hold their feelings inside. The longer the feelings are pushed down, the more resentful you will feel. Actually saying your feelings out loud to your partner, will enable you to alleviate some of the pressure you are feeling. By doing this, your partner is aware that their other halves need more support and can come to recognise the signs of being touched out before they reach the point of being completely irritated and frustrated for the day and even beyond.
Intimacy doesn't always mean sex
Intimacy as new parents is something a lot of people struggle with, and unfortunately, it can cause many issues between partners. Learning to love your postnatal body, taking the pressure and expectations around sex away, start cuddling, holding hands, snuggling on the couch, and a loving text during the day will all help to support intimacy again. Your partner may have to work on issues too. They may have to learn how to respect your boundaries and have empathy. While they may never understand the invisible weight of motherhood, they could be considerate of its heaviness.
When someone notices that the living room needs to be tidied or the dinner table needs wiping off and takes it upon themselves to just get it done to help us out, we feel seen, validated, and supported. It's such a subtle form of intimacy, but when our partner really sees us and can say something like, "I know you hate cleaning up after dinner. Let's do it together and knock it out faster", or, even better, "I've got the dishes. Why don't you go take that shower that you didn't get earlier today". I dare anyone to tell me that doesn't count as intimacy. I've even had a mum tell me that the most intimate and romantic thing her partner did while their daughter was a tiny human, was to reach across the bed at night to simply hold her hand after a rough day. She said she appreciated that he didn't try to inch closer to hold her or "make a move", no words were spoken, he just held her hand and continued to hold her hand until they fell asleep. I love that. It's a simple acknowledgement of, "Yes, this is hard, and yes, we're both exhausted, but I'm still here with you."
It won't last forever
In reality, it doesn't last forever, but when you're in the middle of this period, it may feel neverending. However, between getting support during this phase and babies being transitioned on to solid foods, learning to crawl, and becoming more independent, the constant needing to touch you begins to fade. And when this happens, the touched-out feeling begins to fade and becomes a memory like so many other things that occur during the early part of parenthood.
And, if this is something you are going through, don't be too hard on yourself. It's okay to tell your partner, LMC, healthcare provider, that you are struggling. It's okay to take medication or go to therapy. It's okay to feel touched out. Parenthood is hard, and you're amazing!
■ Bellies to Babies antenatal and postnatal classes, baby massage courses and baby and infant first aid courses, 2087 Pakowhai Rd, Hawke's Bay, 022 637 0624. https://www.hbantenatal-classes.co.nz/
Medical disclaimer: This page is for educational and informational purposes only and may not be construed as medical advice. The information is not intended to replace medical advice offered by physicians.
