Editorial: Take back control from kids

Linda Hall.

When the "anti-smacking bill" was passed in 2007 there was both outrage and praise for it throughout New Zealand. Mostly outrage, actually, and even though a referendum resulted in 87.4 per cent of people (from a 56.1 per cent turnout) saying that "a smack as part of good parental correction" should not be a criminal offence, the law still stands.

While I certainly don't condone any parent or caregiver lashing out at a child in anger and hurting them in any way, a tap on the hand to stop your child touching something that's going to hurt them is going to do them more good than harm.

The law hasn't stopped children dying at the hands of those who are supposed to love them. However, I think it has helped the children of the mother of 10 found guilty last week on eight counts of assaulting her children.

The charges arose after some of the women's children, who live with others, stayed with their mother during the holidays. They witnessed what was happening to their siblings and didn't like it.

If it hadn't been for the anti-smacking law, these children would have been powerless to do anything to stop the abuse - but they knew what their mother was doing was not only wrong, it was against the law. They were brave enough to speak out.

Now these children, who witnesses say were being physically and verbally abused on a daily basis, will have the chance to understand that violence and abuse is not normal.

Hopefully the mother will also get the help she so obviously needs.

Parenting has changed so much in the past 50 years. We appear to have gone from the strictest of strict to, in some cases, the softest of soft.

A new book by Dr Leonard Sax, titled The Collapse of Parenting, urges parents to take back control of their children.

The family physician and psychologist, who lives in Pennsylvania, United States, reckons families are "facing a crisis of authority, where the kids are in charge, out of shape emotionally and physically, and suffering because of it".

He's got a point. I've heard children speaking to their parents with absolutely no respect. They demand this or that, yell and scream and make a scene until they get what they want.

This extract is from a Q and A I read about the book:

Q: What exactly do you mean by a collapse of parenting?

A: I wrote about an office visit with a 10-year-old boy who is sitting and playing a game on his mobile phone, ignoring me and his mum as I'm talking with his mum about his stomach ache.

"And his mum is describing his stomach ache and the boy says, 'Shut up, Mum, you don't know what you're talking about.' And he laughs. That would have been very unusual in 1990 or 2000. It is now common: children, girls and boys, being disrespectful to parents, being disrespectful to one another, being disrespectful to themselves, verbally and otherwise.

"The mother did nothing, just looked a little embarrassed. The culture has changed in a profound way in a short period of time in ways that have really harmed kids."

That is really scary stuff. What sort of an adult is this child going to be if he has no respect for anyone? And even more scary, what sort of parent is he going to be? Parents have an obligation to set boundaries for their children and teach them right from wrong. Children need to know there will be consequences for bad behaviour.

That doesn't mean they need a "good hiding" - far from it. There are plenty of ways to get their attention and parents know their children better than anyone. Children need to know parents are in charge, not them, and deep down - even though they might act like they want to be the boss, they really don't.

All they want and need is someone to love them, take care of them and make all the hard decisions. They have years ahead of them to do that for themselves.

- Linda Hall is assistant editor at Hawke's Bay Today.