Daddys with Angels: Dannevirke man’s mission to support bereaved dads

Tuis have a special meaning for Shaun Vivian, who joined Daddys with Angels to help other men like him who had lost a child. Photo / Leanne Warr

It’s been more than 20 years since Shaun Vivian lost a child.

He still finds himself getting emotional at random moments and like many other dads, has found it’s the mum who gets the most support.

Christmas is a pretty tough time of year for many families who have been through such a loss.

“They’ve always got a ‘what if’,” Shaun says, where they think about their child at a certain age and what they would be doing.

He and his now ex-wife were told they were having twins, but a scan at 18 weeks revealed that one of the twins was not going to survive.

Then living in Palmerston North, the couple did their best to adjust.

When the twins were born, the surviving twin was also sick, so the mum and baby were flown to Wellington, leaving Shaun to go home to organise a funeral.

What hurt was that no one ever asked how he was doing, only asking how the mum was doing.

It’s that lack of support that led Shaun, who now lives in Dannevirke, to Daddys with Angels.

The organisation, which began in the UK in 2010, was founded by Paul Scully-Sloan, who had lost a child and found there was no support for men.

Now Daddys with Angels is in several other countries including the United States, Australia and New Zealand and more than 4000 members around the world – some of whom are in other countries that currently don’t have a branch of the organisation.

Shaun found it through Facebook and joined in 2014.

He had initially been with an organisation set up to support parents who had experienced the loss of a baby, but he grew disillusioned with their lack of help for men.

He was asked by Daddys with Angels in the UK to join the support/admin team and since then he’s been getting referrals for dads around the country as well as helping support others from around the world.

He says Daddys with Angels New Zealand is the only support group that doesn’t have an age limit, supporting fathers who have lost children from pregnancy to adulthood.

“We don’t turn people away.”

Shaun says the main focus is on a dad’s grief.

“Men have been brought up to be tough – they’re the fixers, they’re the protectors.

“That’s one of the big things that we get from most men is that they’ve failed. They haven’t been able to protect.”

Through the Facebook group, the men have a safe place to share their feelings.

“No one gets ridiculed if they’re having a bad day.

“We’re not politically correct in the way we talk to each other. We have banter but then we’re serious when we need to.”

Shaun has been helping other dads for 23 years and says he’s slowly chipped away at the feeling that the woman’s grief is more than the man’s grief because she carried the baby.

“Sure, that is an intense grief for the mum, but the dad’s grief is just as much. He’s the one that’s there supporting.”

The men are also encouraged to talk to their partners about what they’re feeling, rather than bottling it up.

“It’s a bloody hard thing to do,” Shaun says.

He’s grateful for the support from his partner, especially in those moments where he might see something or hear something and it hits him emotionally.

“I’m so lucky I’ve got her, because she is so supportive and she helps me so much.”

But that’s why he believes Daddys with Angels, which is run purely by volunteers, is so important.

“It’s a very fantastic organisation.”