No uncomfortable 30-second confrontations with toilets or gutters being cleaned.
No unsolicited liaisons with funeral cover options or mould-removing sprays or itchy scalp ointments and lotions.
However, it must be said that if one's viewing option at tea time is the nightly news bulletin then it too should be more "gastronomically" monitored.
Scenes of destruction rattle my appetite, as do scenes of the North Korean firebrand Kim Jong Un...especially when I'm eating a hard boiled egg topped with Vegemite.
I guess the alternative is to change one's meal-time habits, which could work.
However, unlike the fine folk in carefree and colourful lands like Italy and Spain where you only pay tax if you feel like it we don't tend to eat our evening meals from 10pm onwards and end up getting the last of the dishes done just after midnight.
So there I was the other evening attempting to carve off a piece of fish and me and Mr Hoki were confronted by what seemed like about two harrowing minutes of people being jiggled and vibrated at high speeds all in the name of losing weight and toning up.
The ad with the vibrating platforms...the one that the excited salesman barks "but wait...there's more!"
No, hang on, he barks that on everything else he verbally touches as well.
It just went on, and on, and on.
I do not wish to see people being rattled and jiggled in some bizarre attempt to tone themselves up without actually doing anything.
Now I could understand this approach if these were people gripped with some mobility issues but they are clearly young and healthy, so I can only assume they want to buy these shuddering step things so they can stand in front of the TV set and watch the ads while having their well-stirred and sloshed mugs of soup.
Rather than go out and spend 35 or 40 minutes doing to their joints and muscles what their biological system was actually designed to do...walk.
"Eat well and walk", a doctor once quietly instructed me when I mentioned during a visit that I was looking to lose a few kilos as well as take my entire system down an improved general health path.
So I re-jigged my diet and quit snacks between meals...and I started embarking on a 25-minute walk every evening.
Initially, during the first 10 days of my brave new regime, nothing really happened and I wondered if it was ever going to have any effect...but then things started happening quick-fast.
As if the smouldering fuse had finally ignited.
I ended up waving bye-bye to 9kg over about two months and have kept most of it off (the brewing industry has to take some blame here for the immovable grams).
I like to walk and my joints like me to walk too.
Steps and actual walking treadmills and cycling things I can go with as they do not shake about rapidly like a car at speed with one deflating tyre and they do actually encourage the movement of joints.
Not a terrifying jiggling of various parts which are best left covered up.
It's an appetite killer.
It's like watching the result of someone poking a steel nail into a power socket.
But hey, if the design and construction of such teatime-invasive devices creates jobs for a few hundred people in a factory outside Suzhou for three bucks an hour and creates advertising income for a television network then it can't all be bad.
And in a strange way such things have had a positive effect upon my pursuit of joint health and weight caution because when they come on I just get up and walk away...I walk a long way away.
For about 25 minutes.