I took the plunge this week.
After years of hearing the title, overhearing murmured conversations in the office break room, walking past countless shop fronts adorned with the latest edition, I, Adam Green, jumped on the Fifty Shades of Grey bandwagon.
No, I didn't sit down on a comfy couch and plunge headfirst into the book, it was the easy way out for me as we popped the movie on and I settled in to find out what all the fuss was about.
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As it turns out, it was about nothing. It was a terrible movie devoid of any plot, and if it wasn't for the odd revealing scene I would definitely have turned it off midway!
But then again, it wasn't written for me, a dad of three girls in the prime of his life. If it had been it would have gone more like this . . .
Adam woke to a strange sound. What was it? He hadn't heard it in what seemed like a lifetime, and it was LATE! 8.30am.
He glanced around, almost expecting the arrival of something terrifying, something that needed toast and jam, and needed it NOW, but no, nothing.
Silence. That's what that sound was. The kids were all at sleepovers, and it was almost as if they didn't exist.
After a glorious morning, reading the newspaper uninterrupted in a tidy kitchen with two cups of coffee it was time for lunch. But where to go?
A restaurant was a possibility without three extra mouths to feed. The kind of mouths that ordered $20 fish and chips and ate a coin-sized piece of batter and three chips. No. Just a fresh bakery roll and a sit down in a park somewhere.
Somewhere FAR from the screams of sliding, swinging children at the playground.
The slight crackle of a fresh bottle of wine being opened was the only sound in the evening air, and as the cool amber liquid fell into the glass, Adam glanced across his lounge.
The floor had nothing but the rug on. No randomly scattered board games, dolls, and hobby horses. The pillows remained on the couches, and there was not a single piece of pink clothing in sight.
As the TV glimmered to life, Adam sank further into the couch, knowing tonight, there would be no interruptions in the movie. Tonight, he was living 50 shades of kid-free life.
• Don't miss Adam Green and Sarah van der Kley on The Hits Hawke's Bay from 6am to 9am, Monday to Friday.