The written word can be a powerful thing and we all know that knowledge is power, so my Christmas gift to you is a PC friendly dictionary of in vogue vocabulary, to ensure you can contribute to any holiday conversation whilst using the most trendy of terms.

Facebook: Not actually a book. Not reliant on a real face either. If that doesn't set off alarm bells then maybe it should. The perfect place to remain faceless, whilst you troll, bully and lie about others and basically get away with it. Woohoo ... progress!

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Fluid: As it sounds. Weak, wishy-washy and often tasteless. A label suggested by those who refused to be labelled(WTF). Most often applied to gender or sexual preference, it's a pretty poor attempt to "define" oneself before they're even asked to do so ... because quite frankly, nobody gives a hoot!

Gender Neutral: Comical. A supposedly "new" term for the archaically old. Cos men wearing "girly garb" like kilts, lava lava, kaftans and the like is a recent thing, as is women wearing trousers. Yawn. Another feeble attempt to "empower" people with a phrase that makes them feel "special".

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Hashtag: The least preferred and much poorer cousin of the crispy, golden hashbrown. Whilst the latter consists of deliciously seasoned shredded potato, the other has the ability to shred a reputation, without a shred of evidence.

Influencer: Not to be confused with influenza, though both can be deadly as they both actively pursue the weak and susceptible for their own nefarious purposes. Sadly no cure for either is available. #sharespudnotmud #irony #hashbrown.

Offensive: See also "anything". Yes, sadly, anything and everything can be deemed offensive these days.

Offensive:

See also "anything". Yes, sadly, anything and everything can be deemed offensive these days. A look, word or deed can and will, inevitably, be taken out of context and used against you ... often via Facebook, a hashtag or an influencer - go figure.

Politically Correct: A feeble, vomit inducing and sycophantic term used to appease those who are convinced they are oppressed or the "victims" of a perceived injustice, as well as the not too subtle attempt by a government to appear tolerant on any national and international stage - aka bullsh*t.

Privilege: Despite its real meaning, this word now has only negative connotations, primarily because it can be applied to Donald Trump ... who just happens to be white. Yes, only "white privilege" is portrayed as loathsome, evil, despicable and intolerable. When Bill Cosby was found legally guilty, were his heinous sexual crimes ever contributed to the abuse of his "black privilege"? Is the phrase ever associated with the likes of stories about Oprah or Michelle Obama, and if not, why not?

Racism: See also above. A much misused term that many ignoramuses associate with colour, rather than race, as the word suggests. Media of every description would have us believe that something is only racist when it's black against white. Simplistic and sellable, but crap. When an issue flares that involves two races of the same colour, it's conveniently passed off as a cultural, religious or political difference ... and you have to wonder why. A sceptic may think they are trying to drive the divide and incite racial tension.

Turkey: A hideously ugly, and overpriced bird, traditionally, consumed at Thanksgiving and Christmas and a great description of many a human being. Greedily gobbling up the garbage of gossip, only to be thrown out, the next day, as dry, flavourless, leftovers ... that everyone has had a gutsful of.
Spread the word. investik8@gmail.com

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