SEX TALK: Loving relationships, not tags, the key

Outraged objections to the Civil Union Bill as it passed through its first reading and now as it continues through Parliament seem to be omitting one rather obvious fact.
Those who argue for retaining the sanctity of marriage overlook that this institution has proven to be no guarantee of safety, respect or love for so many couples or for their children.
Too often even those who take the moral high ground on such issues struggle in their private lives to sustain a civil (with a small c) union, never mind a strong, loving relationship.
Arguments that marriage is a crucial element of a healthy society that should be protected and valued must be based on the assumption that the marriage itself is a healthy one.
Surely no one is claiming it's in a couple's, a family's or a society's best interests to honour destructive marriages? Nearly half of all marriages that begin with great hope end in divorce.
Some would suggest this means that people's expectations are unrealistic. It's even more likely that many simply don't know how to achieve their goals.
This is hardly surprising given so many New Zealanders have not been taught how to build healthy relationships.
If we're lucky, our parents will have modelled that for us but many are not that fortunate - regardless of whether we are born into and grow up within a legal marriage.
There is, of course, no way any government can legislate to create healthy relationships and families. This takes skill, commitment, tolerance and plain hard work.
A revolutionary government might like to provide funds to help couples learn the essential skills of close interpersonal relating.
This would go a long way towards meeting the goals of supporting couples and families.
With the establishment of the Families Commission, it will be interesting to see what is revealed by the planned research into what creates healthy families.
Sex and relationship therapists are in a privileged position to see inside a couple's private life and get practice-based evidence about this.
Often a skilled professional gets to see much more than the closest friend; not infrequently we identify things that even the partners themselves hadn't noticed or acknowledged.
Twenty years of experience in this field have shown me that constructive, life-enhancing relationships are not defined by the gender or the sexual orientation of the partners.
Rather they are based on the capacity for intimacy and empathy and the willingness to give and receive love.
The earliest and most powerful source of learning of these skills occurs between parent and baby with the attachment process.
But it is never too late to work towards acquiring the ability to form meaningful connection with an important other and the ripple effects are potentially huge.
Often couples who have improved their relating skills comment spontaneously that they're having fewer behavioural problems with their children.
This suggests the children are getting more of their emotional needs met and are witnessing healthier relating skills they can then model their future relationships on Inside every human being is a yearning to be loved and valued.
Our eyes want to see warm smiles directed towards us. Our ears want to hear pleasure and even love in the voice greeting us. Our bodies want tender, warm touching and holding. When we get those needs met well enough we develop into healthy human beings, both physically and emotionally.
We learn that we have value, that the world is a safe place to be and that we each have so much to offer. Ideally we get those needs met first as an infant but a close, committed adult relationship can also fulfil this role regardless of the gender of the partners or the name we call the relationship.
Robyn Salisbury is a clinical psychologist and director of Sex Therapy New Zealand, a referral network. For help call 0800 sex therapy (0800 739843) www.sextherapy.co.nz