Richard Moore: Plonkers condemn plankers

Isn't it mind boggling that in a world filled with economic woe, child abuse, violence, thievery, brutality, bullying and poverty one of the worst things people can do is lie face down in an unusual place?
Planking, as it is known, has become the number one target of public concern in New Zealand and Australia, where one guy did die when trying to lie like a plank on a seventh floor balcony rail.
So bad is this terrible social crime that Australia's PM has come out against it and said people had to be responsible when lying flat on their faces.
In Queensland, a man was arrested for planking on a police car.
The Queensland rozzers aren't known for their senses of humour and charged the criminal with being found on a police establishment without lawful excuse.
It was a car. And he was only lying on it.
At least six people have been sacked throughout Australia for planking while at work - usually lying between two desks or on the top of shelves.
Schoolchildren, there and here, have been bollocked by their schools for planking and one recent example of a Tauranga Boys' High kid planking across the rail line on The Strand was unanimously screamed down by all and sundry.
Why?
Railway lines are only dangerous if trains are coming and, as we all know, even someone as thick as two short planks will get away from train tracks when they know Thomas and Co are approaching.
But now there is this wowserish outcry about being irresponsible and endangering lives.
Back up the truck guys.
It is more dangerous to go for a late-night drink on The Strand than it is to lie like a plank somewhere.
If kids are planking and having a bit of fun, then surely that is better than graffiti, or vandalising places around town.
The craze is unlikely to be around for very long and we should appreciate the fact that in most cases people planking are not hurting anyone and are just being creative. I may even try it myself.
Looking at the internet the latest follow-up craze to planking is "pillaring" - where people stand at attention in public places and on objects.
Is that also going to be branded dangerous and a societal evil?
Probably, but only by plonkers.
***
Since my brush with death from a heart attack three years back I rarely introduce takeaways into my diet.
It doesn't mean I don't eat them, but I pick my poison and limit the number of times I indulge.
Apart from the fact I'm too young to disappear off the Earth, I really don't want to have those rather large needles inserted into my groin again and so the likes of KFC, fish and chips, kebabs, meat pies and pastries have gone on to the endangered list.
Sometimes, when time is pressing, it could be a visit to the Golden Arches or, more likely, I zip with the kids into Subway.
Very rarely will I indulge in one of the big-name pizza takeaway brands because you never quite know what you are getting in terms of fat, sugar and salt within their offerings.
One Domino's pizza customer, however, knew exactly what he was getting in his meatlovers order when he opened the box to discover a white-tailed spider getting ready to munch into it.
Now they are vicious little brutes and I know of a few people who have suffered very nasty infections and subsequent scarring from the bite of a white tail.
Anyway, Domino's did the right thing and gave the guy his money back and apologised but you have to worry if the spider was an extra topping ... or the delivery man.
Any of you out there who think I'm being mean about takeaways can take comfort from the fact that there is also a bit of a worry on the salad side.
In Germany, 10 people are believed to have been killed by cucumbers.
No, I don't mean them falling from trees or whatever they grow in, but from E coli contamination.
And it's not just in saurkraut land, several other countries have also had deaths from reportedly toxic cucumbers.
Crikey, maybe I'll risk cholesterol-riddled white tails after all.
***
Now here is a big thank you to Inez, a teacher at Te Akau Ki school, who went to the aid of a young fellow who had come a cropper on his bike while cycling to college down Opal Dr, Papamoa.
Thank you, Inez, for taking the time to stop, make sure he was not too badly injured, and calling his dad.
I, and he, appreciate it.
richard@richardmoore.com