Mother still grieves after tragedy

It is one year since Tauranga Girls' College student Samantha Garner died, 22 days after the Maungatapu crash which claimed her brother Josh and friend Kayla Rose. Samantha and Josh's mum Raewyn tells Alison King how she and her family have tried to cope.
 
A PASSING train rumbles the city house Raewyn Garner and her daughter Payge now call home. There are grandchildren running around filling the air with their shrieks of
laughter.
But no matter how hard they try, there is a void they can never fill. Raewyn's daughter Samantha, 14, doted on her nieces and nephews. Instead of  playing with them she is now a picture on the wall and present only in their hearts.
"If I could sit here, crying and screaming for hours and it would bring them back, I would do it in a flash, but it's not going to happen," Raewyn says.
"I'll never get over them going, it's something that will always be there."
Raewyn has already, in the past 12 months, marked son Josh's and Samantha's birthdays. There has been Christmas, the anniversary of the crash in which Josh was killed instantly, the next day when friend Kayla died and now the anniversary of Samantha's death.
"I've noticed the anticipation leading up to the day is worse than the actual day, then the next two or three days afterwards get really hard," Raewyn says.
The family planned to mark today with what has become a ritual - they travel to the Pyes Pa cemetery where the brother and sister lay side by side. Then they spend time talking about them, asking the youngsters what they remember.
But even though there are happy memories there is still an overwhelming sadness. Samantha and Josh had started to bond as brother and sister after many years apart. He would pick up his sister every weekend from the Mosaic Church. 
But on June 15 Samantha and Kayla wouldn't return home safely after the weekly youth group.
It had been raining that night and as Josh exited the Maungatapu roundabout he lost control. The police report revealed there had been no drugs or alcohol, just too much speed for the conditions. The car crashed into a power pole and Josh was killed instantly.
"It was very hard for me, for any of us," Raewyn says, tears welling in her eyes.
"I know he wouldn't intend to hurt anyone. When I found out I was upset but I knew he didn't go out there to harm anyone. Samantha and Kayla were just 14 and had so much to live for. Josh had picked her up so many times before ...
"I expect them to walk in the door any moment."
She has visited a bereaved parents' group, which she says is a great support. New parents have since joined and she  feels she has moved on to a new stage of grief. She is in a new home, the second since the crash,  far away from the crash scene.
"People ask me if I like the crosses there but I would rather see the crosses than the power pole and get upset. It was hard when we lived near there and I went past twice a day. Some days I'd say hello and other days I'd cry my eyes out," Raewyn says.
Youngest daughter Payge, who moved up to Samantha's old school Tauranga Girls' College this year, is home with Raewyn. Daughter Alyssha visits most weekends from study in Hamilton and her other sons and daughters pop around with grandchildren.
Her marriage to Craig was already over when Josh and Samantha died, although she says they were able to support one another during their time of grief.
They all have their way of coping but she says it's been hard. 
"We're each other's rocks. All my children are struggling in different ways. 
"I miss Josh most when we have computer problems as he's not here to fix them. Samantha - we miss her bubbliness. It was never really quiet when she was around."
She says she tries to stay in touch with Kayla's mum, even though there is the guilt at the back of her mind that her son robbed the Roses of a daughter.
"I was always afraid (to meet). It was my son driving and in a way I feel responsible."
Samantha's death wasn't in vain. She  helped save the life of a 12-year-old boy. Doctors were able to remove two heart valves for organ donation. Raewyn was told one has been used and the other is in storage for when someone else is in need.
 "She's helped save another child's life."
It is the thought of those who are living that keeps Raewyn going. It was what stopped her going to Josh's funeral - she didn't want Samantha to wake up to an empty room. She has 11 grandchildren who visit regularly and a 92-year-old mother who will move in when she returns from wintering in Australia.
And  Samantha and Josh will never be forgotten.
"I don't feel their presence but I know they're there," Alyssha says.