This week was Men's Health Week, an event aiming to help men get on top of their most important asset – their health. Carly Gibbs asks seven men to share their experiences of mental health struggles and what's helped.
Todd Muller
Todd Muller's most poignant public moment was showing
that men in high-powered positions suffer the same vulnerabilities and struggles as the rest of us. Stress lay behind his resignation as leader of the National Party in 2020, and the 53-year-old has since become a staunch advocate for men's mental wellbeing.
Describe the first time you confided in someone that you were struggling mentally, and what that was like for you.
It was to my wife Michelle and it was very difficult. I had deep mental anguish that I was letting her, our family, my colleagues and the wider party down. But it was such a critical step because she could start putting emotional scaffolding around me in a way that was beyond me. With both her support and another close friend, I could eventually see a way through.
We've come a long way with talking about mental health, however, there's still a sector of men who think there's a shame if you show weakness. How do we encourage non-talkers to talk?
Fear held me back, particularly the fear that if I let go of this dam I was trying to hold back inside me, the force of the emotion released would swamp me and everyone I loved. However, I found the opposite occurred. Sharing with people who cared was like a refuge when everything else inside was swirling. Always talk, always share, it calms the fear.
These days, I am a lot healthier, exercise daily, and have good professional support - including medication. It truly is a journey. It's not like flicking a switch and you are back, but man, you get insight and empathy.
As a dad of three, what advice do you have for keeping your cool in front of children when you're going through uncertain times?
I was very open in front of my children. They could see the pain, and I did my best to explain that it was not them, it was me, and there were challenges I was working through with others' help. Being honest with them perhaps helped them understand on the occasions I didn't keep my cool.
Scotty Morrison
Te reo expert Scotty Morrison was born and raised in Rotorua and still calls the city home, despite working in Auckland most of the time ("Ko Ngongotahā te maunga, ko Rotorua te moana"). The radio current affairs host began learning Māori after high school. Now in his early-50s, he's best known for his two decades presenting te reo news show Te Karere — plus a decade presenting Marae Investigates. He is an ambassador for Men's Health Week.
Name a time when you experienced mental health difficulties, and what that was like for you?
Most mental health problems occurred for me when I was of rangatahi age, so teenage years. Of course, that's not what I would've identified them as at the time. The 1980s was a much different time, and any mental frailties were either ignored or you were just told to toughen up. I suspect the mental challenges I had were pretty similar to most teenagers – body image, not being good enough, peer pressure, awkwardness. Luckily, I had great role models, a mother whose love was unconditional, siblings and cousins who were there for me, and coaches and friends who I could rely on. Those support networks are so important. The reality is, however, that sometimes you are going to be isolated, under pressure and have feelings of hopelessness. You do have to learn to build your personal resilience and learn what mechanisms work for you in terms of dealing with mental challenges in your life.
It's been reported that Māori traditional health methods are overlooked in our health system. Do you agree/disagree? What tools from te ao Māori have helped with your mental wellness?
Absolutely agree. I believe the holistic approach to health that is intrinsic in traditional Māori culture, is the pathway forward for us all. Some of the concepts are universal and if embraced, create health and wellbeing for everybody. Unfortunately, once (the word) Māori is attached to these concepts, it causes a negative reaction or becomes of less value. One of the concepts I utilise is te kauhanganuitanga (or balance). This philosophy is based on the holistic Māori model of health and wellbeing developed by Sir Mason Durie, called Te Whare Tapawhā. You could translate this literally as the house of four walls. It's the idea of health and wellbeing involving physical, mental, spiritual and relational health. It's not only physical health that is important; there's a lot more to your overall health and wellbeing. It's also connected to your emotional, mental, and spiritual health, and your health in relation to the relationships you have with other people. You must strive to balance these four walls. If one is stronger than the others, the house is not in balance. If you don't have all those walls connected, the house is going to fall.
What advice would you give to men who are whakamā (embarrassed) to be vulnerable with friends, family and their GP?
This is part of Te Whare Tapawhā in my opinion. If your relationships with other people, friends and family is strong, and you have worked on them in a meaningful manner, you will not feel whakamā or whakaraeraetanga (vulnerability), but only the positive energy, support and aroha, that you have given and will now receive.
Fisher Wang
At 19 he became Rotorua's youngest city councillor and the second youngest in the country. At the time of his win in 2019, he was studying at university and had just finished a shift at McDonald's when Jacinda Ardern phoned to congratulate him. His family immigrated from Taiwan more than two decades ago and NZ-born Wang was subjected to racial slurs while putting up billboards during the election campaign. He sees diversity as a strength.
Have you ever experienced mental health difficulties yourself? What discussion, personal insight, or incident helped you seek help?
Towards the end of 2021, I wasn't feeling 100 per cent. I'm an optimistic person, and I was losing that. I became anxious, glum, stressed and lost sleep. This raised red flags, and it was tough. In public, I put on a smiley face but alone, I'd be stressed. I ended up seeing a psychotherapist. It was hard because I was hesitant, thinking I could get rid of this mentality myself, but I realised I needed support and to accept myself for who I was. I also felt there was still a taboo factor to seeking support, which should not be the case. It's difficult to admit that we are imperfect, but we all are.
What are some strategies that helped you to feel okay or on even keel day-to-day?
Taking short breaks from social media; going out for a run or hike where I could just breathe. I've found baking and cooking a stress reliever, and an avenue to be creative with recipes, make comfort food and on the occasion, fail too, and that's okay.
Some men tend to see busyness as a badge of honour and are applauded for showing stoicism in the face of pressure. However, overbooked schedules and an inability to set boundaries can cause problems. How do we get men to slow down and address their primary needs like rest, relationships and exercise?
Being a young freshman politician made me want to prove that I could do just as good a job as someone twice my age. I didn't have boundaries between rest, work and recreation and it had a major impact on my mental health. I was only sleeping four to five hours a night because my mind was jumping all over the place.
I now understand my limits and prioritise rest. I feel that workplace culture needs to change too. Instead of pinpointing someone for their failures, support one another to reach their potential. We all learn, absorb information and work differently.
Peter Fitchett
The 76-year-old retired consulting engineer is chairman of the charitable trust that owns a community centre for seniors, Parksyde, which opened 22 years ago. He's lived in Rotorua for 46 years, been married to Liz for 48 years, and has two children and four grandchildren.
What things affect your mental health?
Liz claims that when I turned 40 I was mildly depressed for a short period. On learning that this was considered a normal reaction to turning 40, that stopped that. I've been fortunate to not experience (serious) problems, and I put my happiness down to a loving childhood, strong and felicitous relationship with Liz, and suffering from a life-threatening illness. I've had bowel cancer twice. This taught me that there are few things in life more important than one's health.
What has worked when you need a pick-me-up?
Liz and I face any challenge together. A problem shared is a problem halved.
How can we prevent isolation and social distancing from impacting day-to-day mental health problems for our men?
The last two years of Covid have been keenly felt at Parksyde, particularly for widows, for whom the health messaging was fearful and anxious. This fear has been slow to dissipate. Many are not technology-savvy and Parksyde is where they get their social contact, and they were denied it.
What's more, another attack on mental health is retirement. Western culture arbitrarily selects an age when it tells people they're no longer of worth and can be forgotten. The change for many retirees is massive. Their identity and position in the world are suddenly gone and they face rebuilding their lives with little or no guidance. Although there has been a change in their circumstances, in reality, there's no change within themselves. They still have much to offer society but the challenge is finding how to do it. Many of the famous names throughout history have done some of their most significant work in their 80s and 90s.
Chris Pasco
The 69-year-old dad of two lost his wife Diane at Christmas and has slowly been getting back on his feet. A keen musician, he was head of music at Rotorua Lakes High School before retiring from teaching four years ago.
What things affect your own mental wellness?
I am dealing constantly with the loss of Diane, the love of my life. She died suddenly on December 12, 2021, while I was out doing the shopping for us. We were together for 45 years. It now is apparent to me that we had a relationship that was so special. The loss of Diane is ongoing. Like living in quicksand sometimes. Bereavement for me is the mightiest of challenges.
What has worked for you when you're needing a pick-me-up?
The support I have encountered at (Rotorua senior centre) Parksyde has become more apparent since Diane's passing. The power and passion of playing and songwriting have helped me greatly; as has my Christian faith. Then there is my cat, Earl Grey.
I have been using audiobooks to give a sense of company. I am intending to look for more places to be in socialised contact with others. If like me, you're bereaved, then my approach is that this is a necessary part of life. Not pleasant, just necessary. There is a bereavement service, and if you are a member of a well-run church, then support should be available.
What power is there in men sharing their personal stories of stress, anxiety and depression?
We can't be superman. I can't, anyway. Be real with someone you can trust.
Brian Pickering
The 69-year-old retired nurse worked in mental health and addiction. Originally from England, he and his wife Jessica met in 1978 and have lived in New Zealand since. Based in Rotorua, they have two children and four grandchildren.
Describe a time in your life when your mental health has suffered.
For the last 20 years of my working life, I managed different mental health and addiction services, and I had a high level of work pressure. When I retired (at 63) I decided to keep myself busy and engaged with life, however, not with anything remotely like my career. No mental health voluntary work or positions of responsibility on a committee, trust or board.
What do you do now to enhance your mental health?
I enjoy a busy family life; I feel better when I'm outdoors. I go tramping most weeks and do related voluntary work, including for the Department of Conservation. I read; attend yoga, and play Rummikub.
What power is there in men sharing their personal stories of stress, anxiety and depression?
I don't identify with men sharing their personal stories as such. I mix with people of both genders, mainly activity-based. These all assist in promoting my mental wellness, though that isn't their overt, stated purpose.
Robert Dunne
Robert lives in Tauranga and has been Movember New Zealand country manager for the past 11 years. Movember is an annual event involving the growing of moustaches during the month of November to raise awareness of men's health issues, like prostate and testicular cancer, and men's suicide.
Have you ever experienced mental health difficulties? If yes, what discussion, personal insight, or incident helped you seek help?
While I have tough days, I'm lucky I haven't had significant challenges. I think it is two things that drive people to seek help. Firstly, it isn't always what is said, but who says it. A lot of advice is similar, but if you hear it from someone who resonates with you, it means more. Also, what is your 'why'? Your family, friends, perhaps yourself? When you can identify that, it might drive help-seeking.
In recent years, mental health for men has become less stigmatised. However, some men are still hesitant to seek mental health support, why do you think this is?
There's been a huge shift from when I first began working for Movember and created an opportunity to drive behaviour change, but we are very much at the start of the journey. So many Kiwi men are shaped by generational attitudes that asking for help, offering help, and discussing life challenges is to show weakness and that their peers would think less of them. While improving, these attitudes still exist.
How can a man know if they have a mental health condition that requires professional help?
Feeling low, stressed and anxious can be a part of life. At lower levels, we need to learn how to self-care. For many reasons, these feelings can remain for longer periods, and if for more than a fortnight, it can be time to seek help from family, friends, or other trusted sources - free call and text lines, and medical professionals.
What advice would you give someone who wants to raise the issue of mental health with a loved one or friend?
Have a relationship and foundation first. It's hard to just come in and say 'are you okay? I'm worried' if you don't have trust because their guard will be up. If you're spending time with the people that are important to you, you might not have to ask, they might just tell you.