Luke Kirkness: Taking on the biggest doughnut I've ever seen

The competition was set up as a way to celebrate and thank essential workers after the lockdown last year. Photo / George Novak

OPINION

I'd do almost anything for a story. One of the best things about being a journalist is getting to try a bunch of random stuff.

So when the opportunity appeared to take part in a doughnut-eating competition I volunteered myself pretty quickly.

Putting my diet on hold for an afternoon and scoffing down as many doughnuts as possible would be a piece of cake for this loudmouth, I thought.

However, this was before I learnt it would be a speed rather than an endurance race and that the damn thing would be 10 inches in diameter.

The showdown was set for 1.30pm in Tauranga's Historic Village outside The Whipped Baker Cafe.

It was the second year the event was being held. The competition was run last year as a way to thank Tauranga's essential workers after lockdown.

I'm smiling but in really terrible pain at the thought of having to eat this. Photo / George Novak

Fifteen people from a range of different essential services, from police to St John, teachers to post workers, competed for the bragging rights.

The challenge was simple: fastest to eat the doughnut wins.

I fought the doughnut and the doughnut won. Photo / George Novak

The competitors were sprawled out on a long table in what appeared to be the last supper, and I tell you what, I don't think I'll be needing supper for a long while.

The doughnuts were brought out for us to gawk at as we armed ourselves with cutlery, napkins, water and buckets — in case something couldn't be held down.

I'm not joking, they were about the size of my head. It was a truly horrific sight.

Filled with whipped cream and covered in chocolate, there were also several chocolate bars and a Freddo Frog on top of the doughnut.

There were also two syringes filled with liquid chocolate which were required to be eaten before one could claim to have finished.

I began questioning my life choices about now. Photo / George Novak

I only managed to knock off half of the doughnut before the rich sweetness of the entire thing proved too much for my stomach.

As I sat around sipping water and trying not to vomit all down my front, the winner Taani Teu finished in a time of 8 minutes 37 seconds.

He smashed the 2020 winner's time of 12 minutes. Everyone was in awe.

The competition's supreme winner, Taani Teu. Photo / George Novak

Teu, from Healthline, was a trooper. There is no other way to describe it.

Unfortunately, I was feeling too ill to conduct much of an interview but Teu said he felt good after the race, and he appeared to be in great spirits.

I don't feel like eating a doughnut ever again. The sight of them is enough to trigger a little sick to slide up the back of my throat.

I only got halfway through before I gave up. Photo / George Novak

However, if you're a sweet tooth and boast a big appetite, I would encourage anyone to give it a go.

While I didn't finish, I take pride in knowing I didn't — and haven't — vomited so far.