I've got it. The perfect Secret Santa gift.
Secret Santa is, of course, that annual ritual that involves giving and receiving among groups of workmates, family, friends, social media mates etc.
It's a cheaper and more efficient system for Christmas gifts than everyone buying everyone else a gift, especially for large family or work gatherings.
Google lists several different types of Secret Santa. In my world there are at least two main types, and the rules are designed to be argued over at length.
Possibly the most common variety, which Wikipedia doesn't seem to recognise, is the random draw, where you get a spending limit and a name - you buy something for them, someone random buys something for you.
Everybody wins, except that poor soul whose buyer didn't come through with a gift.
To be fair it's never really about the gifts, it's about the gathering.
Which is just as well as while some gifts are well-thought-out messages from the heart, you can get some cheap as chips crap as well.
The other main type of Secret Santa involves everyone contributing a gift under the tree. Google calls this version Thieving Secret Santa or White Elephant Gift Exchange.
A random order is determined by, say, drawing a card, then participants take turns selecting whichever present takes their fancy.
When it comes to the second person to choose, the fun starts. They can either pick an unwrapped gift, or steal the first person's gift and give them an unwrapped one. The third person has the choice of one of the opened gifts or an unwrapped one, and so on.
Many a long-term grudge has been spawned by the auntie who stole her niece's Secret Santa gift.
Couples also have the pressure of working in pairs. If one's prized present is stolen, the partner is expected to steal it back. This doesn't always play out, leading to added tension at the Christmas dinner table.
And woe betide the partner who doesn't pick the gift partner number one bought especially because they wanted it for themselves.
What sort of Secret Santa buyer are you? Are you more likely to try to match the gift to the recipient? Do you buy something you yourself would want? Or do you go for the easiest option - Scorched Almonds anyone?
The most sought-after gifts I've seen at Secret Santa gatherings have often been garden ornaments - I don't know why but they do look cool.
The best gifts I've seen have been hand-made and must have taken days to complete. One former colleague will never forget the personalised croquembouche she received one year.
Anyway, back to that perfect gift. While many would agree it's the thought that counts, what would you think if you opened your Secret Santa present and instead of finding a knick-knack or choccies your gift was cold, hard, beautiful cash? Wouldn't you love it? But shhh ... don't tell anyone I suggested it. That's our secret.