Felix Desmarais: The reason I'm cutting out technology for an hour a day

What have I become? It's not my fault, it's technology's fault. Photo / AP

COMMENT:

It was 11.47pm, I'd clocked 9939 steps for the day, and I threw my $470 watch out of the window.

I threw my $2000 phone in the lake. I got a stick, tied a handkerchief to the end of it, hoiked it over my shoulder, and walked into the hills for a better life, off the grid and free of technology.

Hypothetically, that is, because that's how I access Twitter, log my water intake by filling up a cartoon llama, and order takeaways.

And I had to get those 10,000 daily steps.

When a tree falls in the forest and there is no one there, does it make a sound? When a man walks 10,000 steps in a day and a fitness watch isn't on his wrist, did he sit on the couch the whole day?

The answer is yes, unfortunately.

I began marching on the spot in the lounge, swinging my arms like a continental soldier - though perhaps their expertise is mostly confined to throwing ears over their shoulders. I'm not a military expert.

Then I realised the unit I live in shares floorboards with my elderly neighbour, so I went into the sunroom. It's got a concrete floor - so no marching elephant thumps - and floor-to-ceiling windows facing out onto the street.

I left the lights off because if I'd turned the lights on, my neighbours would have seen a grown man, sweating and doing star jumps in his sunroom at midnight.

But then a car rounded a corner and flooded the room with its headlights. It caught a grown man, sweating, doing star jumps in his sunroom at midnight in the dark. The Sunroom Star Jumping Creep.

What have I become? It's not my fault, it's technology's fault.

My first iBook laptop was my pride and joy.

A 2003 model, it weighed about 20 kilos, and I'd slang it in my backpack to go to uni. I'd take it to lectures, something highly unnecessary in 2007. I was already insufferable as a theatre major, and this only heightened my pretence.

Having an Apple tells the world: I'm not like a regular person, I'm a cool person. I'm edgy. I'll pay double the price for a computer that basically does the same thing as the grey one that doesn't have a keyboard that lights up. I'm different.

That, teamed with impassioned viewpoints on how light can be a character in a play, and Beckett's influence on Stoppard, and you can imagine what a delight I must have been at parties.

I say all this with distance, as though I'm a better person now. I'm not.

With no dependents and a modest disposable income, I've become unstoppable. Stocktake: Macbook, iPhone, AirPods, iPad, and of course the Apple Watch.

I've been in committed and adoring relationships with all of them until the latest, newer, shinier version came out about a week later. I suppose it's really like most intimate relationships that way. Or maybe that's just me (and an explanation as to why I'm single).

They seem designed to walk out of your life anyway. Apple products, that is.

My laptop is five years old now, positively geriatric. It'll become unresponsive if it's not constantly plugged in. We have a lot in common.

However, the relationship is becoming untenable. She wants me to move on and I'm only too willing to comply.

But my Apple Watch is much younger and lither, but I fear she may be trying too hard. Particularly when it comes to the fitness app.

"You can do it!" Get wrecked. Don't tell me what to do.

"You're so close to your daily fitness goal. A quick brisk walk should do it!" How dare you, you don't know me. You're not my mum.

"Good morning!" Who do you think you are?!

It plagues me. The other day I was chatting with my neighbour when I got a text message. My phone sends messages to my watch, so it buzzed and as a reflex (since it's very handy for work) I glanced at it. My poor neighbour thought she'd bored me to the point of rudely checking the time.

It's all coming on a bit strong. These things distract us and pull at our sleeves. But we're as dependent on them as they are on us, for better or worse. We've become symbiotic and it's a vicious cycle.

So now I'm carving out an hour a day where I'll leave the phone alone.

Hypothetically, of course.

Felix Desmarais is a journalist and mostly-former stand-up comedian who sold out very cheaply. He's old before his time.