Relationships. That ought to send a shiver downyour spine.
Talking with a friend who was pining for a relationship, they said they then remembered how, while warming and comforting, devastating heartbreak can be. Spooky.
As has probably become starkly obvious since I began writing this column, I'm a big sap.
I love romantic comedies, I'm a sucker for Celine Dion, and I had tears streaming down my face watching my cousin get married the other week.
I love the idea of getting married myself and know I'd be a blubbering mess watching my person walk down the aisle towards me, too.
Last year when I was buying a house I thought how great it would be if I had a partner I could pool my deposit with - and the additional income to boost the chances of buying a reasonably nice house.
Then I remembered that would involve being in a relationship and - can you believe it - spending time and energy on that.
I figured a partner is more than an extra $100,000 on a deposit and deleted Tinder for the 16th time. It's a shame though, there's a trope on Tinder that guys always have a photo of themselves holding a fish, and my fish picture is spectacular. Bit of a waste (not the fish though, it was put back and as far as I know is probably married with caviar kids itself in some corner of Lake Taupō).
Felix and his fish. A prime Tinder pic. Photo / Ben Fraser
Then last weekend I made a frittata. It was no ordinary frittata. It was exceptional.
I pride myself on my cooking.
I have a natural instinct in the kitchen where, without any instruction, let alone formal training, I just, kind of, know how to pair flavours. It's not always perfect, but I find myself in a complex chemistry experiment that surprisingly pays off 99 per cent of the time.
And so it was with my frittata. It was marvellous.
I paired cumin with the potatoes at the bottom, added just the right amount of cheese, and made the mushrooms aromatic by sautéing them in garlic.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'm a culinary genius.
It was the kind of frittata that made me wonder why I'm not married yet. That kind of frittata makes me prime husband material. Surely being a magnificent cook is the main selling point.
Who needs good looks, a load of money or a sparkling personality when you can wizard up a fantastic frittata?
Felix's frittata. Photo / Felix Desmarais
To me, the pinnacle of marital bliss is being a cook and someone who likes to eat good food and do the dishes.
Sometimes I think it's bad I haven't been in a relationship for almost a decade, but then I think that's probably because I'm a lot more - how shall we say? - choosy than I was in my early 20s.
I would like to get married someday, I think, but I'll be patient until I've found someone who feels like home.
At the wedding the other week a relative asked if I had someone special in my life. I said, perhaps defensively, I didn't but I wasn't worried about it.
But you never know what's just around the corner because I think I did find the love of my life the very next week in a combination of cumin, potato, eggs and cheese.
So for now, it's just me, my frittata and my mortgage.
How am I not married yet frittata
Ingredients
150g potatoes 1 onion 1-2 portobello mushrooms 50g pastrami 150g broccoli (can be frozen, don't break the bank) 25g tasty cheese (I use tasty light) 200ml egg white 3 eggs Cumin powder, coriander powder, paprika, garlic, salt and pepper to taste
Method
• Preheat oven to 200C on bake. • Prepare an deep oven dish or cast iron pan with baking paper. • Chop potatoes roughly into cubes (skin on or off, I like it on). • Boil potatoes in salted water with cumin powder, coriander powder and pepper. • Drain potatoes and place them evenly in prepared dish. • Sprinkle cumin powder and paprika on top (or optional: sauté potatoes with these spices). • Dice onion, place it in dish. • Thinly slice mushroom - optional: sauté mushroom in a saucepan with olive oil and garlic. • Add mushroom to dish. • Dice pastrami and place in dish. • Steam broccoli briefly then place it in the dish. Optional - sauté broccoli in saucepan with cumin powder. • Add 20g grated cheese. • Add eggs and egg white to a bowl. • Whisk mixture and pour into dish so it is level-ish with veggies and meat. If the mixture isn't quite enough, top it up with more egg white, no stress. • Add about 5g cheese on top. • Place dish in middle rack in oven. • Cook for 20-30mins, checking occasionally. Once firm, not liquidy and brownish on top it is ready and your life is changed. A spouse may appear at your doorstep. • Allow to sit for five minutes then, if you like a bit of spice with your spouse, I mean frittata, add sriracha sauce to taste.
Felix Desmarais is a journalist, mostly-former stand-up comedian and home-brand Gordon Ramsay.
