Domestic violence: Bay of Plenty woman’s story of abuse - and survival

Multimedia Journalist·Bay of Plenty Times·

29 Sep, 2023 05:00 PM10 mins to read

The Bay of Plenty woman suffered almost a year of "full-blown" domestic violence. Photo / Getty Images

Warning: This story deals with intimate partner violence and self-harm.

Beaten, kicked, whipped, strangled, threatened with a machete and “my head smashed on a fireplace”. A Bay of Plenty woman has spoken out about the “full-blown” domestic violence she suffered during a “volatile and toxic” relationship. After finding herself in a “dark place”, she has slowly been able to heal and create a new life. She has bought a house, earned a degree and is in a new relationship with someone who makes her feel “safe” and equal”. Megan Wilson reports.

The first “red flag” came two months into the relationship when the young Bay of Plenty mother tried to leave her partner’s house.

He smashed up her car.

For nearly a year, she endured physical violence and “obsessive”, controlling behaviour.

“He smashed up my house – everything that I’d ever worked for.”

The woman, who spoke to the Bay of Plenty Times Weekend on the condition of anonymity, said her partner decided she was not going to return to work because “he couldn’t handle me being away”.

She is sharing her story to encourage others experiencing domestic violence to “reach out” and talk to someone.

“The violence grows when it’s kept secret … and then you get to a point where you don’t even recognise your life any more.”

Police attended 4171 family harm incidents in the Western Bay of Plenty area in the year ending July 31 and say family harm calls have more than doubled over the past decade nationwide.

In 2021, the Bay of Plenty Times reported the Tauranga Women’s Refuge had supported a woman who was knocked unconscious and other women with “smashed-up” faces during the Christmas holiday season.

A new educational programme for family violence offenders started in Tauranga in March in which men could learn to “make better choices for their families”.

Obsession and control

The domestic violence survivor recalled the relationship being “all fun at the start”.

But after a couple of months, the control and jealousy started to “creep in”.

“I experienced the physical violence – I used to get beaten, kicked, whipped, threatened with a machete, strangled. I had my head smashed on a fireplace.

“And if I needed to go to the hospital, he would always be there. I knew the nurses were trying to screen for violence but then he also knew that, so he would not leave the room.”

The woman said she could not shower alone and had to use the toilet with the door open. Her partner would “constantly” go through her phone and she was not allowed to have social media.

She said he was using methamphetamine, which made his behaviour “go up and down”. He was “really obsessive”, always needing to know where she was.

“I couldn’t even go to the supermarket for too long because it was like, ‘Where have you been? You’re with someone’.”

She felt she had to be intimate with him. If she didn’t, he would accuse her of sleeping with somebody else.

“So then I would agree to it even though I didn’t want to agree to it. It was just to keep him happy, I guess.”

She had a child from a previous relationship. Unfortunately, she said, that child “saw and heard a lot”.

“A lot of people say, ‘Why don’t you just leave?’ But when they’ve been inside your head and playing mind games and all that psychological abuse, you start to question even your own reality. And you start to believe the things they say.”

She said one reason she stayed was because he threatened her and people close to her and threatened to kill himself.

“That’s quite often the predicament people get in ... to protect others, you just continue to go through it.”

But there were days when she “just wanted it to be over”.

“You start having those thoughts of like, how can I just make this end?”

Becoming a free woman

The only “real reason” she was able to free herself from the relationship was because he was sent to jail.

She sought help and education for the abuse, which helped her “reclaim” her power.

“I was just so beaten down emotionally. I genuinely believed I was a piece of s..., and that I was worth nothing, that no one would ever want me, that I was a dumb b..... All of the things that he told me, I believed it.”

She went into a “really dark place” and wanted to take her own life, but having a child stopped her.

“Once I was able to work on me and heal and get back some of my power, then I realised he doesn’t have any hold on me whatsoever.”

The woman had counselling at the Tauranga Women’s Refuge and a women’s safety programme at Living Without Violence, which helped “identify those behaviours and red flags”.

“It was good because everybody else in the room was going through the same thing. You all know that no one in there is judging you.

“Recognising the behaviour for what it was was probably the first best step – this is full-blown domestic violence, intimate partner violence and it’s not OK.”

Moving to a new home marked “the beginning of a new chapter”.

She decided to get a degree and reconnected with friends and family from whom her ex-partner “isolated” her. They included her best friend, who “never gave up” on her.

Creating a new life

The woman said she got together with her current partner after the abusive relationship ended.

At first, the relationship did not last because she was not ready for it.

She had become “quite aggressive” from dealing with her ex. When she moved into the new relationship, “I hadn’t actually undone some of that”.

“I was like … my new partner doesn’t love me as much because he’s not texting me 300 times a day and I don’t have 50 missed calls from him.”

But they reunited and have been together since.

She said her new partner was the “complete opposite” of her ex. They have had children together and he was an “amazing” father.

“He’s patient, he’s kind, he’s never physical, he always wants to do what’s best for me, he cares about how I feel … If I want to do something, he encourages me.”

She felt “safe” and “equal” with him.

“Safe to do what I want, safe to speak my mind, safe to make decisions, safe to approach him with anything. Whereas before, I was walking on eggshells all the time.”

They had “achieved a lot together”, including buying a house.

She no longer got “overly upset” about the abuse she previously suffered.

She still felt guilt, however, for what her first child went through, saying the child became anxious and “hypervigilant” around loud noises.

“It’s so hard to look back at it now and just be like, what the f... were you doing?”

Her ex had tried to contact her since they split, but she had ignored him.

“He doesn’t scare me in the slightest – he’s really irrelevant to me.”

Here to help

Tauranga Women’s Refuge manager Hazel Hape said the refuge received and responded to 1300 phone calls through its 24/7 crisis helpline and responded to 1200 police family harm incidents in the last financial year.

The refuge also assisted 70 women and children into safe housing and provided about 80 safety programmes to women and children.

Tauranga Women’s Refuge manager Hazel Hape. Photo / Alex Cairns

Hape, who has worked in the refuge sector for 18 years, said it provided advocacy, information and support for women, their children and whānau experiencing domestic violence.

“Women and children have a fundamental right to live their lives free from fear and violence.”

An increase in government funding in 2020 had been “pivotal” for recruiting more staff, building capacity and capability and moving to a new premises.

Tauranga Living Without Violence chief executive Janice Belgrave said the organisation had been providing services in the Western Bay since 1984. It worked with users of violence and those impacted by it.

It was piloting a new programme for rangatahi (young people).

“For many of our adult users of violence, when we peel back the layers … the vast majority of those people actually came from a background of trauma themselves.

“We want to do something more at the early intervention stage.”

Belgrave said the organisation was working individually with young victims of family violence through their teenage years and early adulthood to support them to have “safer” and “more loving” relationships.

She urged anyone who may be experiencing family violence to call or check its website. “We are here to support you.”

Western Bay of Plenty police prevention manager Inspector Zane Smith said the national doubling of family violence calls was the “largest and most consistent increase” in demand for police over the decade.

There had been a “significant” increase in reporting since 2018 after the introduction of two new offences, “assault on a person in a family relationship” and “impedes breathing (strangulation/suffocation)”.

The reporting increase also indicated “increasing confidence” in the police and the cross-agency response to family harm, where more targeted support was given to victims, and alternative options to prosecution were increasingly taken up, he said.

Since the peak of Covid-19, family harm figures in the Western Bay had decreased, mirroring trends across the country.

“Police would encourage anyone who is concerned for their own immediate safety or that of someone else to call 111.”

DO YOU NEED HELP?

If it’s an emergency and you feel that you or someone else is at risk, call 111.