Retro rhubarb

I'm an instant gratification girl - hardly a good personality type for a gardener - so it was with huge disappointment I discovered that rhubarb takes at least two years to grow.
You might wonder why someone who loves gardening didn't already know this but, the truth is, I haven't eaten rhubarb for about four decades and am only now considering growing it because it's become one of the trendy new retro veges on the block, along with kale, celeriac, fennel bulbs and so on.
But before you write me off as a complete bimbo, can I just add that I also want to grow it because I've recently embarked on a high(er) fibre diet and when it comes to fibre, rhubarb is the go. (I also have fond if distant memories of my mother's stewed rhubarb served with indecent amounts of whipped cream.)
There are two types of rhubarb - evergreen and winter dormant. The winter dormant varieties die down but perk up in spring.
Despite what we probably think of as its rather common origins in the suburban New Zealand vege patches of the 1950s, rhubarb has rather stringent requirements. It demands fertile, well-drained soil and prefers a cool climate with plenty of sunshine. If you have sandy or clay soil, add plenty of compost or manure. Add gypsum or some roughage material like grit to sandy soils to improve drainage - your rhubarb will not tolerate wet feet. Slightly acidic soil is okay.
For a new rhubarb patch, consider a raised bed. That will solve the problem of drainage and make it far easier to provide the perfect growing medium for your plants.
Use manure on the base, followed by a soil/compost mix, and finally a layer of fresh, clean soil into which you'll place your plants.
You can grow rhubarb from seed but it takes forever. Dividing existing plants is the answer. Somebody in your suburb is bound to have a rhubarb patch. Split the crown with a sharp spade. Plant the divisions about 1m apart with the buds just below soil level.
If you simply can't wait to harvest it, do so only sporadically in the first season. Better still, allow the plant to establish properly and give it a two-year period of grace.
Plant it in an area you won't want to use for anything else in the immediate future. It likes to be left undisturbed for three or four years to develop a good crown.
While it's growing, keep it well-watered through the dry periods and mulch with a layer of compost or pea straw to help keep the moisture in. Those gorgeous big leaves suck up water like crazy and can leave the stems skinny and weak. Give it a general fertiliser with some potassium in spring and watch out for slugs and snails.
As soon as the stalks are big enough (this is entirely up to your own judgment, but around 25 to 30cm long is a rule of thumb) grab them close to the ground, twist and pull. If they're reluctant to let go, cut as close to the base of the plant as possible. Take care not to damage new shoots.
Remove any flowering stems as soon as they appear. Compost the leaves or chuck them - they're poisonous to animals.
In warmer environments, the stems tend to be a less vibrant red, but the nutritional value and fibre content are unaffected. And the taste - especially when stewed with cloves and brown sugar and served with the aforementioned indecent amounts of cream - should be just as good as the rhubarb your mother grew.