Make sure you get the job of ... Pruning supervisor

One year, my sister-in-law sent me a photo album of the important annual events in her and my brother's lives. One of the shots was captioned: Alan supervising the annual pruning session.
The image showed him, cigarette in one hand, gesticulating with a wine glass to one of the large magnolias in their garden. Presumably my sister-in-law, out of the frame, was wielding the loppers.
The supervision of pruning must run in my family. I have been seen to gesticulate with a wine glass towards the monkey apples that just two years ago were pruned to head height by a particularly brutal contractor who left them looking like Kate Moss - skinny, near naked and in need of a decent feed.
At the time I thought they'd never recover, but after two years of complete neglect they'd trebled in height and width and cast so much shade over the carpark area that we were having to thaw the cars out before anyone would go and get the paper.
It's astonishing how tiny shrubs, planted with a shoulder-height hedge in mind, can grow to 6m and counting when you turn your back.
We decided to take them back down to head height to let the sun get to the driveway and allow us to keep them under control for the foreseeable future. Naively, I thought this would involve a quick haircut with the chainsaw, but of course it was far more complicated than that.
Pruning trees that are taller than you with your arms held high is a dodgy and potentially dangerous business, so a pruning supervisor is definitely needed. Her duties involve selecting the order in which the trees should be pruned, assessing the aesthetics of each tree, saying which branches should go and in which order, keeping track of the whereabouts of the various tools used in the process, and directing the disposal of the debris.
In all seriousness, it's pointless to embark on a serious pruning session without the right tools. That's simply an exercise in frustration and, possibly, danger.
Although all the supervisor needs is the glass of wine, the person doing the work requires specific tools.
We had everything but the telescopic loppers and, because we couldn't visualise any of our trees being allowed to get away on us again, we opted for a cheap set that set us back about $30. We figured that even if they did only one session, it would be worth it. It was.
Pole pruners, as they're also called, have cutting blades similar to regular loppers. They also have a long pole handle and a rope and pulley system that operates the cutting blades. It took him about five minutes to figure them out and then he was cutting branches at least 3m high and up to 3cm thick without any problem. Despite the low price tag, they completed their part of the job without a hitch.
Further stages of the operation required pruning saws. These saws cut as you pull them back towards you so they also take a bit of getting used to. Some come with longer handles so you can reach into a tall tree or shrub. Alternatively, your telescopic loppers may come with their own saw blade.
Lower down, short-handled loppers and secateurs take care of woody stems 1cm to 2cm thick. If you're buying new ones for the job, be aware that they come in various shapes and sizes so try them out in the shop to see what's comfortable for your hand and your strength.
When the bulk of the tree has been dealt to and you've arrived at a basic shape that is satisfactory, the pruning supervisor may be persuaded to swap the wine glass for the shears and trim back the straggly bits.
This may sound like a simple job but it requires an eye for aesthetics and attention to detail. And both hands. But on the plus side, good shears are lovely things. They're light, balanced and sharp, and no matter how fond you've been of your old-fashioned models, you'll love the modern version. Again, try them out in the garden centre.
The pleasure of the return of the sun to a large part of your section will be tempered by the annoyance of disposing of the rubbish. It's extraordinary how much debris there will be from three or four trees. Fortunately, it's not a job that requires a supervisor. Take your wine and retire to the terrace - your work here is done.
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TIPS
Collect all the tools after the pruning operation and clean them. Get rid of all the sap and plant residue to prevent rusting and pitting of the steel.
Wipe anything that has a blade with an oily cloth.
If there's debris caught between the moving parts, loosen blades and joints and clean thoroughly.
If you've been cutting diseased trees, sterilise tools before using on healthy ones. Dip in a solution of household bleach and wipe clean.
Rinse wineglass and place in dishwasher.