She has a seemingly perfect life ... but mental illness has challenged an Ohauiti woman most of her life, writes Julia Proverbs
Fiona Gregg has it all - a loving husband, two gorgeous kids and a new house.
Her eyes twinkle and her skin glows as, perched on a red leather barstool in the gleaming kitchen of her stylish Ohauiti home, she chats away confidently.
"I have a lot of good in my life. We are financially secure, we have a new house, good cars, health for ourselves and our children and great friends and family. I have everything I want and need," says Gregg.
The "but" hangs heavy in he air.
"But sometimes I still feel like life is not worth living."
Gregg suffers from depression - a mental illness that, despite high-profile publicity campaigns, remains largely stigmatised and misunderstood.
A creeping mist that sneaks in
"That's the hard part for people - and myself - to understand. It's not what's around you, what you have or even how many people love you.
"When you get depressed, sometimes nothing can get you through and you feel so isolated and alone, even when you may have your family in the same room.
"Sometimes you just have to hang on and ride it out and go to bed if you need to for a day or so."
Right now it's hard to imagine this immaculately-dressed, engaging 45-year-old woman taking to her bed, simply because she doesn't have the energy for life.
But at least once a month depression gets the better of her and that is exactly what happens.
Sir Winston Churchill famously referred to it as his "black dog". Gregg describes it as a fog.
"Depression is like a creeping mist that sneaks in at the corners of your peripheral vision. Sometimes you don't see it and it arrives to cloud your vision in grey before you know it ... it's a sneaky bugger.
"Before you know it, your whole life is tarnished with it. What you once loved, you don't care about anymore. In fact you can't stand anything and nothing gives you the slightest bit of happiness, let alone joy," explains Gregg.
"Unless you have experienced depression, severe depression and chronic depression, no one can judge what it's like. That's why it makes me so angry when I hear people talk of people 'snapping out of it'.
"It is such a horrendous, scary thing that of course you would love to be able to snap your fingers or wake up in the morning feeling better but it doesn't always work that way and others need to be more understanding and caring."
I was really, really unhappy
The issue of depression was highlighted in the Bay of Plenty Times Weekend a fortnight ago with the story of Tauranga's Brad Milne, who died after suffering from the condition.
Mr Milne had everything to live for, including two children, and his family are now demanding answers from the health sector.
Looking back, Fiona Gregg says she has struggled with depression since her teens, when her parents divorced.
"I just knew I was really, really unhappy but I didn't have the skills at that time to know it was depression. Nobody really noticed because I was quite quiet anyway," she recalls.
"I knew I didn't want to be in this world but I wouldn't have done anything because of my parents."
She continued to experience low moods throughout her 20s, including time spent in England, and into her first marriage.
It was after she left her first husband that things came to a head.
"I had lost all sense of my place which led to a huge depression, a big change and 'where do I go from here?' I thought I'd never find another person to share my life with and never have children."
Diagnosed with bipolar disorder
Gregg moved to Auckland and it was while living there she experienced her first anxiety attack.
"I just remember sitting in the toilet shaking, thinking: 'Oh my God what's happening to me?' My nerves were shot. I ended up going to see the doctor and I got put on antidepressants. That was the start of realising what was going on."
Also prescribed sleeping pills, she slept for four days.
"I was exhausted emotionally."
She started seeing a psychotherapist and was doing well when, unexpectedly, she hit the other end of the scale.
"I went on a huge high and ended up in a psychiatric ward," says Gregg, who was then diagnosed with bipolar disorder.
"I couldn't sleep, I was talking flat out, as fast as anything. I couldn't settle down."
Things that help her get through
Three months later, another "high" put her back in hospital and what followed was two years of severe depression and suicidal thoughts. "I had no confidence. My partner had to encourage me to peel a potato and remind me I could do it ... it was hard work but oh so worth it."
She credits this "partner", Phil, who is now her husband, with saving her life.
"Phil said: 'You can't sit around home all day.' And even though I felt like staying in bed and not facing the world, I kept going. Eventually, some small happiness comes back."
Art, gardening, walking on the beach, keeping fresh flowers by her bed and patting the cat are all things that help her "get through".
"Balance in life is important. Not having too many commitments. Cancel if you need to."
Gregg now works as a senior peer support person at Junction Peer Support and Advocacy Service, which supports people with mental illness and addictions.
"I try to give as much support and hope as I can and I love the advocacy side because there is so much ignorance and disrespect towards people with mental illness," says Gregg of the job that has given her the niche she has been searching for most of her life.
"I would love everyone to think: 'If this were my mother, sister, brother ... how would I treat them?' We are no different from you and one day it may be one of us supporting you through one of the most challenging times in your life."
A lot of undiagnosed depression
Junction manager Vicky Hall says depression is "highly prevalent" in Tauranga.
"There is a lot of undiagnosed depression out there and they don't get clinical advice because of the stigma around mental illness."
Although, adds Hall, there is light at the end of the tunnel.
"People are starting to talk about it more ... with the likes of John Kirwan."
Junction holds a depression support group once a month, attended by, on average, 20 people, as well as supporting people individually. It also has walking groups on Thursday mornings at Yatton Park and Friday mornings at the Mount.
"People like to talk to people who understand what they are going through. We have all experienced it so we get it. That's what makes our service different ... we are people who have come out the other side ... giving them hope that recovery is possible," says Hall.
"Depression can come and go. Anything can trigger off depression ... work-life balance can be a lot to do with it. It's a horrible, horrible thing."
The stigma is still there
Western Bay of Plenty Mental Health Trust works with the families and caregivers of people with mental illnesses.
They have seen an increase in families seeking help for loved ones with depression but think it is more to do with a growing awareness than an increase in the illness itself.
"We are seeing more people possibly because it's more talked about," says trust manager Sally Duncan.
Although, the stigma is still there.
Field worker Trish Thobis says: "We hear many times from families: 'Why don't they just get hard and get on with it?' Who would want to feel heavy, heavy, heavy for no reason? If you don't understand what depression is, you won't be able to help. Education is empowering."
Field worker Tracy Kidd adds: "We try and liken it to physical illness.
"It's out of their hands ... it's like a sore back. You can't see it."
One of the trust's main roles is to "navigate" people through the process and support them.
That can include hooking them up with the right services and accompanying them to meetings with various agencies.
The first step, the trust advises, is going to see your doctor, who has the ability to refer a person to Mental Health Services, through which free services can be accessed.
"There is a huge amount of services in Tauranga," says Duncan. "The inter-agency system is working well and we can obviously keep building on that. The main thing is to find somebody who will listen."
Depression facts
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