Family recipe for bonding

Eating dinner as a family is a dying tradition, but experts warn that dumping the nightly ritual could be damaging to children's development.
Mount Maunganui-based family counsellor and child therapist Marjorie Douglas said sitting at the dinner table as a family to eat was becoming less common.
Either families ate dinner on their laps in front of the television, or the children ate first and the parents later after the children had finished.
Some families even cook separate meals for the children and adults.
Ms Douglas said it was very important for a family to regularly sit at the table together for dinner.
"It's something that is being lost from this generation. It's a common problem.
"Parents and children don't have family time together when they can share how their day was, and laugh together and tell stories.
"We try to challenge them in a gentle way and ask them what they want the kids to remember.
"It's creating a family culture, it's bonding the family forever because when we are adults we remember those moments.
"As counsellors we try to encourage parents to reconsider their decision of not having family meals together."
Various studies have found that children who eat dinner with their family each night have better communication skills, a sense of stability, increased academic performance and better nutrition than those who don't.
The most common reasons for not having a family dinner are a lack of time, parents working late, children's activities, watching television, or because the parents themselves did not eat dinner as family when they were children.
Dianne Lees, clinical psychologist for Bay of Plenty District Health Board and Incredible Years mentor, said family dinners acted as "the cement within a family".
"It's an opportunity for families to sit and talk and share and connect and get to know each other," she said. "It's been shown to help young children in language development and vocal skills.
"It helps parents share in their children's interests and learning and projects and challenges they are having, any problems they are facing, to be supportive and encouraging - all of this builds relationships."
Mrs Lees said family dinners were a chance for parents to role model skills for their children such as table manners, conversation and social skills. "Things like asking, waiting, taking turns, showing empathy, being interested in one another.
"It's the time when customs or rituals are modelled, things like saying grace or having a red plate for someone who's achieved something during the week."
A regular meal was also a chance to monitor any mental health indicators such as changes in mood, behaviour or disposition, and to role model functional eating patterns.
"It's a time when children are supported emotionally, that self esteem is built up. It builds strength and resilience," Mrs Lees said. "Children love to have adult attention. They want to share their stories and successes and frustrations with people who are important to them.
"If the people who are important to them are too busy or show no interest, the message they get is they are not important and need to seek attention elsewhere in different ways."
The result can be weakened parent-child relationships, and a lack of connection and respect.
Tauranga chef and father of two sons Peter Blakeway feels strongly that eating dinner as a family should be a priority. "My attitude is, how are children supposed to learn table manners if it's not at the table with their parents?
"It goes way deeper than that. Children are naturally cautious about food, and if everyone is eating together, it's a little bit of leading by example. The children learn to try stuff which will ultimately be good for them."
It was easier to ensure your children were getting the right nutrition if the family ate together, he said. "If you allow the kids to pick and choose what and when they are going to eat, you are handing over control of their dietary needs. As a parent, that's wrong.
"At the same time the kids are learning how to handle a knife and fork properly and eat respectfully, so one day they are gong to grow up and be adults and will be able to handle themselves."
Mr Blakeway said a shared meal offered a chance to connect with your children. "It's that wonderful Italian way of living where the family gets together every day.
"Communication is a huge part of a meal. It's important for us as a family. It's where I find out what's going on, how the kids are doing at school, what they are worried about, things like that. "It all forms part of coming together as a family."
Children felt excluded from the family if they were "pushed into a corner with nuggets and beans", Mr Blakeway said.
His sons have eaten the family meal since the age of four, but Mr Blakeway said it was challenging at first. "It takes time, it takes effort, but ultimately you have got kids that enjoy food, enjoy the experience of having a nice meal and can handle it."
Table for four the only way to dine
While many families say they are too busy to organise a family dinner, the McDonald-Brown family of Papamoa make it a priority despite their busy schedules.
Craig McDonald-Brown is a teacher at Tahatai Coast School, while his wife Miranda is in her third year of a nursing degree. The couple are parents to daughters Grace, 7, and Ella, 5.
"Life's pretty busy," Mrs McDonald-Brown said. "We find the time that we come together is at the dinner table, to have a chat about our days.
"We needed to make that one place in the day that we sat down and came together. The girls love it, they look forward to it."
They were inspired to start the nightly ritual of family dinners after taking their daughters to a restaurant last year.
"Their manners were awful. They didn't know how to use a knife and fork, they were chewing with their mouths open," Mrs McDonald-Brown said.
"Now, we find we can see what they are doing. We have taught them skills, and how to have a nice conversation.
"Because we are not a religious family, we will hold hands at the start and say 'we love our bread, we love our butter, but most of all we love each other'. It's really corny, but the girls crack up every time.
"It starts off the meal time with a laugh. They really look forward to that."
Such rituals bond families forever, says family counsellor and child therapist Marjorie Douglas.
While dining together, the family also has candles on the table, and each one of them blows out a candle as they finish their meal.
The game also encourages the girls to focus on their eating - previously, they had taken 40 minutes to eat a small meal as they were distracted by the TV, Mrs McDonald-Brown said.
And although it was sometimes tempting to watch the news instead of having a family dinner, the family plans to persevere with it.
"We always enjoy it."