Avoid 'monster in law' horror stories

The terms monster-in-law and mumzilla do not always apply in the relationship between a woman and her mother-in-law, relationship experts say.
The often-fraught relationship was highlighted last month when an email spat between "mother-in-law from hell" Carolyn Bourne and her daughter-in-law-to-be Heidi Withers circulated widely on the internet.
Jenny Hill of Bay Counselling & Therapy Services said mothers might feel like they were being "sidelined" when their sons got married, and they might be worried they would have less contact with their sons or be less involved in their lives.
"Some mothers-in-law feel they are losing their son - that's what it may be like to them.
"There's also the [question of], 'Is she good enough for my son?' Not that she's really got the right to ask that."
Ms Hill said mothers wanted the best for their children. A mother might be concerned the possible daughter-in-law was not right for her son.
"She may criticise the daughter-in-law, which will then put her son in a difficult position, as he still loves and respects his mum, yet here she is criticising his chosen life partner."
In some cases parents might not have separated themselves from their child's life.
"They perhaps haven't acknowledged that their children are adults now and are no longer answerable to their parents."
Ms Hill said issues could also occur between men and their mothers-in-law.
It was common for families to drift towards the woman's family, particularly after having children, she said. "It is natural for a daughter to look towards her mother for knowledge and support around parenting, especially when a new mum. However, this may leave the male partner (dad) feeling excluded, and so his reaction may be to criticise his mother-in-law.
"The arrival of a child creates a lot of change within a family and this needs to be worked through carefully and respectfully." A man might feel his relationship with his partner was changing for the worse, and see his mother-in-law as a threat to his relationship and go into attack mode.
And in some cases, a man might feel "ganged up on" by his partner and her mother.
Les Simmonds, clinical leader of Relationship Services Whakawhanaungatanga Bay of Plenty/Gisborne, said the key to effective relationships with in-laws was making an effort.
"It's about spending time and doing constructive, useful things together - having dinner together, sharing things, talking about things. That's the basis of any relationship."
Mr Simmonds recommended being willing to listen to the other person's point of view and to co-operate. Tolerance was also important.
"That is about biting your tongue sometimes. It's not the end of the world if your mother-in-law keeps knitting certain cardigans you hate. Let it go.
"If you have got a mother-in-law who wants to clothe your kids in horrible stuff you don't like, there's two things you can do. You can think this is terrible and get all disgruntled, or you can start thinking about your mother-in-law's motive - that's a really caring thing to do.
"If you see it from that point of view it takes on a new light."
Mr Simmonds said while the concept of a difficult mother-in-law was often a stereotype, conflict could arise over raising children or whether the new partner was "good enough" for a son or daughter.
"It's not always easy to balance a relationship with someone outside the family who has such an important part to play."
Families with effective relationships had clearly defined roles of who did what within them, Mr Simmonds said.
Tips for getting along together

Be respectful by accepting family differences. Your family patterns and traditions may be different from those of your in-law/partner's family.
You and your partner need to decide what is private between you and what can be shared with family.
If you have children, as a couple you need to be clear on your own parenting style and expectations first, to then be able to discuss with the in-laws/extended family. This minimises conflict between the couple and extended family.
The in-laws have a lot of wisdom and experience about raising children - ask for their input.
- Source: Sue Harris, Bay Counselling & Therapy Service psychotherapist