Toby Manhire 's Opinion

Toby Manhire is a Wellington-bred, Auckland-based journalist.

Toby Manhire: Okay, that's the plan ... now don't let it get about

8 comments
Shane Jones. Photo / NZ Herald
Shane Jones. Photo / NZ Herald

FROM: ELEC-STRAT-TEAM-JOYCEY
TO: NAT-INT-PARL
RE: Strategy Update #48

Many thanks, team, for the congratulations on Budget 2014. With 120 days to the election we have clearly demonstrated our ability to respond to the needs of hardworking focus groups. The future shines bright for a National-led New Zealand. That's the feedback I receive as I go up and down the internal polling data.

You'd think we might be vulnerable on house prices in light of that OECD report this week, but the Prime Minister has shown us how to dehorn the devilbeast with a three-pronged counter-argument:

1. The OECD might be right on our growth numbers but on housing they're dead wrong because they're dead and wrong.

2. He's lived in loads of other cities a decade ago as a millionaire trader and you can't tell him they're cheaper than Auckland.

3. Nine long years of Labour.

Gerry: Any more intel on Cunliffe? Does he own a racehorse - ideally in a trust or New York? Has he ever played cricket? Are there any photos of him winking?

Murray: now Jonesy has been extracted, can he immediately be dispatched to investigate fishing issues on a Pacific island without telephone or internet?

JK-Dog: I've cleared my diary for the White House trip, should you want me along. Also, maybe we should see if John Campbell wants to come to my house too?

Judith! Good restraint on the Twitter trigger, if not the handgun. It's all hashtags and crosshairs with you, if it's not milk and bad eggs. Scramble! Just more jokes.

Seriously, though, Winston's obviously run out of Shanghai surprise. He's shooting blanks (unlike you Judy! Jokes!). Nope, the only smoking guns around here are the new National Party electorate candidates for Hutt South and Clutha-Southland.

Let's keep it comfortable, people.

Due respect, Mr Joyce

FROM: LAB-COS-OFFICE
TO: LAB-CAUCUS-LOYAL
RE: A new beginning (revised)

It was with some considerable regret that we bade haere ra to e hoa Jonesy on Thursday night, but any sadness was overcome not just by an almighty seafood-laced hangover, but the most overpoweringly wonderful wave of relief.

Let us be very careful on immigration. It's all about moderate positive net inflow targets, right? We couldn't love migrants more, we just don't want them here.

Everyone seems to think the At Home with John Campbell twirl went down well, what with my quickfire repartee at the fish and chip shop and also Karen. Wonder whether we should work that into some of the campaign material. As my soul brother Abraham Lincoln once put it: "when I hear a man preach, I like to see him act as if he were fighting bees". Something to think about.

DC

P.S. Does anyone know any Maori broadcasters?

FROM: GRN-STRATEGY-UNIT
TO: GREEN-PARTY-TEAM-COLLECTIVE
RE: Fabric

The first rule of craft club is all the textiles sold in the private but totally cool fundraiser must be from renewable materials. We're looking for other contributions, including shade-grown carob and performance poetry. Please see attached discussion paper on special committee to discuss deodorant policy at party conference.

Jan Logie's tweet this week has ruffled a few feathers. She wrote: "John key says Bill English has produced as many budgets as children. Begs the question who he has f&%d to produce it." Guys, this is unforgivable. That's not a correct usage of "begs the question".

Arohanui, Russiria

FROM: NZ FIRST LEADER THE RT HON WINSTON CHURCHILL PETERS
TO: BLACK AND WHITE ARMY
RE: Project Brendan

Brendan Who? Look, I couldn't give a rat's backside about this trumped-up Brenda Hoohah, but what I will tell you is this. He is napalm toothpaste, an ingrown toenail, a colonic irrigator of the first order. He is irrelevant. We choose to ignore him. There is nothing more to say about this bullshit typhoon, this sunshine extinguisher, this clay-brained, knotty-pated, whoreson tallow-catch.

I spare him not a moment's thought. But I will say this. He is Adolf Hitler, Millie Dean and the annoying one from The Wiggles rolled up and smoked by Pol Pot. He is Cricketer X, Y and Z. He is Kaiser Sose. He is a suppurating wound, a cheap suit, a Sesqui souvenir. And the rest of you aren't much better.

There's a lot more of this yet to come out. Read my lips.

Winston

FROM: JamieBadThoughts@hotmail.com
TO: hi@davidseymour.co.nz
RE: Mud

I hope you don't mind me telling you that when the manure landed on Banksy I walked out into the garden, closed my eyes and covered myself in mud, like a cocoon, and incanted strange words like some time-transcending shaman, and the earth and I were one, and when I woke John Campbell was over for tea.

That's Prebs on the phone again. Third time this morning. Better go.

JW x

FROM: KimD
TO: Internet Partygoers
RE: Dope beats

Wow, did you see the John Campbell show, guys? It's a smoking bullet, you know? Believe me, John Key, when we go to court the world will see you without a shadow of a doubt for what you are, you know, a Hollywood-backed shapeshifting reptilian alien ushering humanity towards enslavement.

This is what our candidates must be saying. Do we have any candidates?

K.com

- NZ Herald

Toby Manhire

Toby Manhire is a Wellington-bred, Auckland-based journalist.

Toby Manhire is a Wellington bred, Auckland based journalist. He writes a weekly column for the NZ Herald, the NZ Listener's Internaut column, blogs for listener.co.nz, and contributes to the Guardian. From 2000 to 2010 he worked at the Guardian in London, and edited the 2012 book The Arab Spring: Rebellion, Revolution and a New World Order.

Read more by Toby Manhire

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