James Griffin is a columnist for Canvas magazine.

James Griffin: A throne fit for a queen?

Britain's Queen Elizabeth visits the throne room at the set of the Game of Thrones TV series in Titanic Quarter, in Belfast Northern Ireland. Photo / AP
Britain's Queen Elizabeth visits the throne room at the set of the Game of Thrones TV series in Titanic Quarter, in Belfast Northern Ireland. Photo / AP

A couple of weeks ago, while she was visiting Northern Ireland, the Queen popped on to the set of Game of Thrones to cast a professional eye over the Iron Throne to see if it was cooler than her throne. The obvious question arising from this State visit is: if the British Royal family were characters in Game of Thrones, who and what would they be?

Elizabeth would be Queen Elizandre of House Windsor, ruler of The Ing and the heathen tribes who make up the Ing Empire (the Leekmen; the Haggisbreath; and the North Guinness). She would sit on the Comfy Throne, with her Direcorgis at her feet, and rule over an empire much smaller than it used to be.

In fact, the defining characteristic of House Windsor and the Ing Empire would be remembering a time long ago when they used to be much more powerful than they are now. Battles they lost would be reinvented as great victories - like the time they bravely fled their enemies at the Dun of Kirk. A favourite memory, often quoted, would be the one time, centuries ago, when the Ing were the best in Westeros at a sport involving kicking a severed head into a fishing net.

Elizandre's husband is Phillos the Grik. Phillos is a seemingly harmless, rather daft bloke who wanders the corridors of Castle Buck saying inappropriate things to the servants.

There are those who believe that this is all an act, and that Phillos is actually involved in dark and complex political machinations. After several episodes investigating this, however, they would come to the conclusion that no, he actually is just daft.

The rightful heir to the Comfy Throne is Elizandre's first son, Charl, Prince of Leek.

Charl is an urbane, intelligent Prince who wants to help the commoners grow better vegetables.

Secretly, however, Charl harbours seething resentment towards his Mother and is surreptitiously training the Direcorgis to turn on Elizandre at a state function and rip her limb from limb when they hear the phrase "cucumber sandwich".

The glamour couple of House Windsor is Charl's eldest son, Wilmot, Duke of Shamebridge, and his wife Katya, a commoner of uncommon beauty whose clothes keep falling off in the wind. Wilmot and Katya spend their entire lives travelling the land showing off their baby, Prince Yorgi, and trying to fool the commoners into thinking House Windsor is still powerful. Secretly they are planning to slay both Elizandre and Charl so that Wilmot may be King of the Ing. Even more secretly Katya is planning to butcher Wilmot so that she may rule in the name of her son, as the power behind the Comfy Throne.

Prince Har of House Windsor is the party prince, sleeping his way through the womenfolk of Ing in-between fighting battles against the Dothraki heathens in a faraway arid land on the grounds that he thinks one of them, Khal Do'odi, was responsible for the death of his mother. Har also has issues with Charl because he feels he has nothing in common with his father - nothing at all. This is why, between the partying and the fighting, he is plotting to kill Charl for no other reason than he feels alienated from him on every level, right down to his DNA.

Like every family in Game of Thrones, House Windsor has lots of seemingly extraneous Princes and Princesses who pop into the story to spice things up and get out of plot holes before being killed in spectacularly gruesome ways. Affable Prince An'drui, the Duke of Yerk, is the forgotten Prince, who everyone ignores. His dark secret is that he has had his daughters, Beatrice of Yerk and Eugenie of Yerk walled up in their room for wearing dead animals as hats to Wilmot and Katya's wedding. His other dark secret is that he is planning to kill everyone else in his family, for forgetting him.

Queen Elizandre also has a daughter, Aan, who spends her days riding around Westeros on her horse. She doesn't seem to have any adventures other than occasionally jumping over things on her horse, but is secretly plotting to kill the Direcorgis with poisoned cucumber sandwiches for no other reason than she much prefers horses and is also mad.

All of this plotting and scheming will, of course, be driven by the desire to make House Windsor great once again. This, of course, will ultimately come to nothing because the Ing do glorious defeat, because that is the one thing they are good at. Especially ignominious will be the humiliation of their army/team by the cannibal Suarez tribe of House Urug at the latest severed head-kicking tourney.

Yep, there is definitely a place for House Windsor in Game of Thrones - just not first place, that's all.

- NZ Herald

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James Griffin is a columnist for Canvas magazine.

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