Toby Manhire 's Opinion

Toby Manhire is a Wellington-bred, Auckland-based journalist.

Toby Manhire: Over the threshold: the Internet-Mana wedding

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Kim Dotcom. Photo / Brett Phibbs
Kim Dotcom. Photo / Brett Phibbs

Mr Kim Dotcom: Guys, wow. This is totally mind-blowing, you know. Today we have been unbelievably lucky to watch these two beautiful parties joined in holy matrimony, you know. And what a fantastic sight it was to see the groom carry the bride over the threshold, right?

The little boy inside me is smiling like crazy: Internet and Mana, till death do them part. Or until shortly after the election, maybe.

Guys, welcome to the family. Marriage is about love, and love will conquer John Key. You know what they say, roses are red, and so is the Prime Minister's face. Ha ha, you know.

I want to be totally clear, guys. Yes, I may be the spiritual guru, the visionary, the oracle, the seer, the Medici, the Doge, the L. Ron Hubbard, the Nelson Mandela, the tooth fairy, the beat-slamming DJ, the big man, you know. But it is now time for Honey and Lala, the human embodiments of today's very beautiful wedding, to lead the way.

And so, you know, as of today, I take a back seat to the Harrewiras. Actually it is a very comfortable back seat, specially designed for sleeping and gaming, with a pumping soundsystem, tinted windows and state-of-the-art lighting. I will also have in the back seat a steering wheel, pedals and gearshift. I mean, come on, it's my car, right?

Thanks to the inspirational people of Epsom and Ohariu. Thanks to the legal team. Thanks to the caterers. The cabbage boat made with earwax was totally out of sight, man. Copies of my new album are available at the buffet. Guys, charge your glasses. To the bride and groom!

Mr Hone Harawira: Nga mihi nui kia koutou katoa. Here we are. Bloody hell.

Kia ora, Kim, for your wealth. Of advice, that is. We welcome your investment, bro. I mean your investment of energy, of ideas. We're all finding Modern Warfare 3 very interesting. Several million of our mokopuna will rise from their non-voting slumber. Someone keep an eye on Minto, eh.

Let me tell you it's a real delight to stand here today alongside Laila, a woman of great mana. And a woman of great internet.

Big day, eh? Look at us all, dressed up so flash! How do you like my coat-tails? To the bridesmaids!

Ms Laila Harre: We are weaving together an awesome future. Marriage is about commitment, about a collective determination to unshackle society from the self-interest of the mega-wealthy, the unparalleled arrogance of a simplistic ideology. Also, the internet, which I have on my computer at home and on my iPad.

There is now an opportunity to recreate progressive social movement. The combustible combination of monetarism, globalisation and free markets is unsustainable, and wedded as we are together we can overcome the self-serving rhetoric of global corporations. We will keep in touch using email on the internet.

Today, our family grows larger. Together we are stronger. Let the voices of the dispossessed, the disgruntled workers, such as security staff or nannies, find expression through us. Our hearts beat as one, they bleed as one. And I'm not talking about the security bug in the cryptography library of OpenSSL, which, you don't need to tell me, is a widely used implementation of the Transport Layer Security protocol.

Friends, I have considerable familiarity with this kind of marriage. And not a little of divorce. Experience, it's called. This new union is built to last, as long as you don't mess me about. Hand in hand, Maori and Pakeha, we will reach out to the young and disenfranchised and engage them in politics. Very Internet. Such Maori. Wow. To the hashtags and the selfies!

Ms Sue Bradford: I shall not hold my peace, this marriage is a sham, I denounce it!

Mr John Minto: I do the denouncing, Sue. I denounce this denunciation. It is a sham.

Mr Russel Norman: Fngarrgh.

Mrs Titewhai Harawira: What the bloody hell is this, boy? Tidy your bloody room.

Mr Colin Craig: Hey look, I like a good laugh as much as the next totally normal guy, but what kind of a marriage is this? Traditional marriage is between one man and one woman, not political parties or abstract concepts. This is what happens when you open the door of this most precious institution to the gays.

Anyway, thanks for the champagne everyone, really lovely, but I have to dash. Just got a Snapchat from the Prime Minister: "Colin, meet me in 10 minutes in the chapel at East Coast Bays. Wear something nice."

- NZ Herald

Toby Manhire

Toby Manhire is a Wellington-bred, Auckland-based journalist.

Toby Manhire is a Wellington bred, Auckland based journalist. He writes a weekly column for the NZ Herald, the NZ Listener's Internaut column, blogs for listener.co.nz, and contributes to the Guardian. From 2000 to 2010 he worked at the Guardian in London, and edited the 2012 book The Arab Spring: Rebellion, Revolution and a New World Order.

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