Starting from the earliest stages of infancy, New Zealanders are subversively corrupted by a regime so secret that even those taking part do not know of their involvement.
The exact time at which the programme was first implemented is unclear. What is certain is that it has been carried out on a nationwide scale for at least the past decade.
There are clear signs indicating its victims. In fact, there is only one symptom - a deep dislike for all things Australian.
We are trained from childhood to dislike our transtasman neighbours. The most likely reason for the programme’s inception is a deep undercurrent of mistrust, caused by arguments over the origins of a famous creamy meringue dessert.
For this reason I am forced to name the process by which we are controlled "Pavlovan conditioning".
New Zealand youths are constantly presented with negative Australian images in order to create deep dislike and innate misgivings for Australia. Examples include the underarm bowling incident, Pauline Hanson and George Gregan.
Of course, no brave new world would be complete without a substance also used to maintain control. Most recently, this task has been delegated to our fine dairy farmers.
The rise and rise of our mighty dollar has had only bad effects on profits for exporters. This is likely to have created a resonant resentment for Australia, one of our largest export markets.
Thus, while the spotlight of the Green Party’s attentions was diverted to the Corngate scandal, secretive genetic experiments were performed on Friesian cattle. The result was a genetically modified enzyme that induces production of the anti-Oz gene in humans.
The gene produces an automatic negative reaction to all things the brain recognises as inherently Australian. But because the response is elicited by an individual’s own unique process of recognition, not all people recognise the same things as Australian. This is why some people actually like Russell Crowe.
The gene has a high rate of success, but fortunately it is switched off when infected people travel to Australia.
They then find that Australia is not such a bad place after all, and that the most common grounds for disliking the Aussies are unfounded.
A common premise for ill-will is the fact that Australians are obviously our sporting superiors.
The Black Caps were cleanly swept aside, even though the concussive force of Brett Lee was largely untapped. In addition, the Socceroos are so dominant in Oceania that they have applied to join the Asian federation so they will have a challenge.
However, Australia’s ascendancy was most adequately demonstrated in the most prestigious of all sporting events, the Olympics. It was fourth on the medal table, while we were 37th equal.
To fuel animosity based on this gulf in success between our fledgling nation and the might of Australia is ridiculous. They have a population four times larger than ours.
They, therefore, have a much larger pool to fish in and to find gigantic aquatic freaks such as Ian Thorpe. Our swimmers look more like whitebait.
There is a misguided belief that we can consider ourselves a rival to Australia. The only sports in which this is possibly true are rugby and, more recently, netball. Dislike breeds in the confusion created by the discrepancy between the aforementioned belief and the fact that we often lose.
We cannot reasonably expect to win transtasman battles regularly because we clearly do not have the same resources. Therefore, we cannot hate the Australians just for being better than us.
After all, we don’t begrudge America for winning hundreds more Olympic medals than us. Its foreign policy is a far more reasonable basis for loathing.
If we want to match Australia’s sporting ability, we need to follow the principle on which Australia was founded. Let’s embrace our penal institutions.
We should transform Mt Eden prison into a high-performance institute to nurture our young convicts. This will enable them to reach their true sporting potential.
When we realise we do not have plausible reasons for hating Australia the effect of the anti-Oz gene will be severely weakened.
The conspirators who first established this subversive programme of societal control should get over the parentage of the pavlova. Without the tension this creates, their motives will dissolve.
Our dollar is sure to fall again, so the dairy farmers motive for distributing modified milk will also be dissolved.
The result will be a fostering of our transtasman relationship, hopefully just in time for Anzac Day.
* Sam Hiebendaal is an Auckland University student.