With just a week of campaigning to go, the moment calls for a thorough analysis of policy positions.

The nation is presented with a clear choice, and that warrants a sober account of the alternatives on offer.

Fortunately that is available on a range of platforms including the New Zealand Herald.

But first, here is a summary of the parties' pitches to the people of New Zealand, as viewed through the encrusted eyes of a sleep-deprived poll addict just barely hanging on for the next hit.

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The National Party
Our consistent message to hardworking Kiwis in 2017 has centred on getting together and delivering for New Zealand, and that remains very much our position. What are we delivering?

We are delivering the opposite of the Labour Party: specifically we are not delivering pestilence, war, famine, death and the seven deadly taxes, none of which the Labour Party has ruled out.

The only question about what the Labour Party would like to deliver unto ordinary New Zealander is which order they'll be arriving. Will it be pestilence first, or famine? Impossible to tell from one day to the next.

The Labour Party
We remain the relentlessly positive party. No matter what happens we will remain bright and optimistic and forward focused and will never be dragged down to the level of the lying, scheming, scare-mongering, smear-peddling, unspeakably grotesque bastard scum sewer rats because we are upbeat let's do this.

The New Zealand First Party
What kind of a question is that? With the greatest of respect you have no idea. And I'll tell you something else. If you have difficulty understanding, ask your grandmother. That's right. I've got your grandmother in my boot.

The National Party
Fiscal hole? With all due respect you must have misheard. As we have made very clear, if you keep performing U-turns like there's no tomorrow, soon enough you'll have carved out an enormous physical hole, which will come in useful if you need somewhere to store the working group that wants to introduce a tax on pestilence, war, famine and death, if not indeed a tax on tax. Also tax, and tax. And tax.

The Labour Party
There are captain's calls and then there are captain's recalls, and in this instance it may be that it was a first officer's recall of a captain's call but the point is this: our values are that want to be absolutely transparent with New Zealanders about being clear, and absolutely clear about our values of transparency.

And we're listening to New Zealanders, and they're saying to us: that seemed like a dumb thing to do, to leave yourselves in the position of having to talk about tax all day and all night. And so we're saying back to them: yeah, fair enough. We're saying: Let's undo this.

The Green Party
Everything's fine!

The National Party
People ask what do we stand for and we've been very clear, we stand for not the Labour taxy-taxers. What was the question? Think of it like a drag race. One car is fine, really, one careful owner, needs a little bodywork maybe.

The other car has had a lick of paint, tinted windows, engine hums, but is bound to backfire constantly, and drive you directly to the IRD where you'll have to pay them everything you own in tax. Tax-tax. Tax.

The Opportunities Party
The polls are wrong and the evidence-based Opportunities Party is on track for parliament, as is irrefutably the case based on the evidence that the Opportunities Party or "TOP" as it is cleverly abbreviated, has the best evidence-based policies and TOP's path to parliament is unstoppable thanks to a very clear and simple new plan to destroy Winston Peters by using a very clear and simply strategy in which voters in seats where a Labour or National candidate will arrive in parliament irrespective of the electorate vote via the list-based mechanism instead vote for the Opportunities Party and is that not obvious enough, you pitiful dribbling morons?

The Labour Party
Actually it's a sign of strength. In the words of leading Labour Party strategist John Key, Every leader knows, that the secret to survivin', is knowin' what to throw away, and knowin' what to keep.

The National Party
Do you want stardust, or do you want a bloody good old-fashioned rock-solid planet? It's your choice, New Zealand.

Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil, taxes, pestilence, taxes, working groups, and taxes.

The Labour Party
OK but you'll do pestilence, too.

The New Zealand First Party
For what is a man, what has he got, if not himself, then demonstrably he has naught. The record shows, I took the blows. And axiomatically did it my way.

The Green Party
Everything's fine!

The United Future Party
Peter was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the spirit of United Future was hovering over the waters. And United Future said, "Let there be light," and there was Light, and if you give me a minute I'd love to talk you through some of our manifesto, which