Matt Heath is a radio host on Radio Hauraki and Herald columnist

Matt Heath: Are you more like Donald Trump than you think you are?

The truth is we're all more Donald than we would like to be. But how many Trump traits do you have?
Donald Trump's orange face is a shiny beacon of his vanity. But aren't we all a little vain? Photo / AP
Donald Trump's orange face is a shiny beacon of his vanity. But aren't we all a little vain? Photo / AP

No parent would want their child to turn out like Donald Trump.

Obviously we'd all love our kids to become billionaires or at least multi-millionaires like Trump. But nearly everything else about the man would embarrass a parent.

He's boastful, thin-skinned, dishonest, juvenile, abusive, mean, greedy, racist, vain, small-handed and orange. Worse than that he doesn't drink.

Of course me calling him those things is also abusive and slightly racist (if spray tan counts as a race).

The truth is we're all more Donald than we would like to be. But how many Trump traits do you have?

First off the man is chronically boastful. But we all boast a bit.

Even if it's just showing off about your kid's sporting prowess or stretching the truth around your downstairs operation.

Lots of Kiwis buy flasher properties than they can afford just to show off.

Most well off people drive cars purchased purely to display their wealth.

The exception being South Canterbury Finance founder Allan Hubbard. He drove the same mustard-coloured Volkswagen from 1968 until his death.

Of course his company collapsed in 2010 forcing taxpayers to cough up $1.7 billion, so maybe he was hiding something. Which is a pretty Trumpy thing to do.

I know I've been pretty boastful in my time. When I was 10 Dad bought a brand new Commodore while my cousins were still driving an old Kingswood.

"Ha ha our car is more expensive than yours," I teased. "Your Dad's car sucks, ours rules."

Pop was furious. "We don't show off about what we have," he yelled. "You've embarrassed the whole family. Also the Kingswood is a great car, now piss off."

Dad has a great moral compass.

We all have a little Donald in us but that's okay as long as we recognise when we've Trumped our pants and try to be better in future.

I was being a mean, abusive little Trump and I've felt bad about it ever since.

Six years later I bunked school with some mates, nicked Dad's beloved Commodore, ran a red light and T-boned a Corolla.

He was madder about the showing off than the writing off.

To many, Trump's orange face is a shiny beacon of his vanity. But aren't we all a little vain?

I signed up at the gym the other day claiming I wanted to get fit so I could play with my kids into old age.

Since then I've been pounding weights purely to make myself look good. My claims were both vain and dishonest. Classic Trump behaviour.

Trump rallies are full of boring blow-hard stories about himself. But if you were given an audience are you sure you wouldn't do the same?

This column, for example, is full of boring stories about me.

Our man Trump is so thin-skinned he'll childishly lash out at the smallest insult.

But how tough are Kiwis? Not very, judging by the cast of The Real Housewives Of Auckland.

Which is a great show by the way. Well made, funny, tense. So good.

Last week Louise's natural confidence and cool was making Julia feel inferior.

So she invited Louise up to her Matakana vineyard: "I want to show off the place, particularly to Madam Louise. I feel I have to prove myself, I actually am as good as you."

Terrible idea for two reasons: firstly showing off her house led to her also showing off her marital aids; secondly if you plan to gain respect by demonstrating your wealth you won't be happy for long. There's always someone richer.

But how tough are Kiwis? Not very, tough, judging by the cast of The Real Housewives Of Auckland. Photo / Norrie Montgomery
But how tough are Kiwis? Not very, tough, judging by the cast of The Real Housewives Of Auckland. Photo / Norrie Montgomery

Trump recently had his money manhood massively shrunk by Michael Bloomberg.

The US$50 billion man spent 30 minutes at the Democratic National Convention crapping all over Trump's business and moral worth.

Julia will probably always feel inferior to Louise because the ex-TV presenter has inner confidence. She is rich but that doesn't define her.

As Qui-Gon Jinn once said: "There's always a bigger fish" or Kerry Packer to a Texan who was showing off about his US$60 million: "I'll roll you for it".

We all have a little Donald in us but that's okay as long as we recognise when we've Trumped our pants and try to be better in future.

The good news is the world now has a yardstick in Trump of what not to be in life.

So let's all put down the spray tan, harden up, drink up, play nice, tell the truth, stop showing off and be the best we can be.

Then tune into Real Housewives of Auckland - it's a really good time.

- NZ Herald

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Matt Heath is a radio host on Radio Hauraki and Herald columnist

Matt Heath is a breakfast radio host on Radio Hauraki, and a television producer, writer and director. He made a name for himself with Back of The Y Masterpiece Television, Balls of Steel UK and the feature film The Devil Dared Me To. Matt was guitarist and singer for the band Deja Voodoo which released two top twenty albums. He is currently a producer on Best Bits, a cricket commentator for The Alternative Commentary Collective, and the director of Vinewood Motion Graphics. Matt is a father of two living in Auckland City.

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