I have to admit to a bad week. It started Monday. It was cold and I thought: "Huh, where's global warming?"
Once the thought started, it ran away on me. I couldn't get it out of my head. I tried to use Crimestop and not let myself even start to think heretical thoughts. I repeated over and over: "Global warming is happening. The science is settled. The Government says so."
But the doubt had been planted - probably by Big Oil. Tuesday's Herald column by Dr Jarrod Gilbert of Canterbury University seemed directed at me: "There is no greater crime being perpetrated on future generations than that committed by those who deny climate change."
He knows! He knows! What do I do?
We are not only banned from questioning global warming - we mustn't even think of doubting it.
I read on: "One way in which everyday crime can be discouraged is to ensure that 'capable guardians' are around to deter criminal activity. When it comes to climate change, the capable guardians are educated members of the public who counteract the deniers."
I sought the most educated person I know. The first thing he said was: "It's bloody cold, mate." I freaked out and screamed: "Be quiet! Who knows who could be listening?" I had been thinking it. He was saying it. Out loud. In public.
My mate said no one was going to tell him what to think. He rabbited on about the hockey stick, the satellite record, the "pause", 1984, Newspeak.
I left him to it. Too smart for his own good.
On Wednesday I had Radio New Zealand on all day. That helped.
I saw a police officer on Thursday but I think I got away with it. He didn't spot what I was thinking.
By Friday I was cured. I watched Al Gore's movie. I put up a poster of Leonardo DiCaprio.
Burning fossil fuels is killing the planet. We are going to drown. The polar bears are starving. The glaciers are melting. Greed has unbalanced the Earth. Corporations are bad.
It's criminal to think what I had been thinking. Thank goodness for educated people.