Lambshank is back. Incensed by a perceived slight to the New Zealand journalism establishment implicit in the absence of any Godzone reporters among the Panama Papers global media corps, the brilliant and devious criminal hacker has shared with your humble correspondent a cache of several million emails from the Hotmail inbox of the Prime Minister, John Key. The vast majority turn out to be daily coupon offers and invitations to connect on LinkedIn, but having filtered through the material obtained by the infamous and wholly fictitious source Lambshank, I am able to present, with pride and trepidation, the salient correspondence sent to the PM.
From Michael Woodhouse:
A masterclass, John. Superb. Actually feel kind of lucky to watch you, how to put it, evolve our position in response to the tax haven onslaught. Hey, let me know if you like this one: Yes, it's true that we might have acted more quickly in response to the hysterical headlines last week, but it was only facts-avoidance, which as we all know everyone does, rather than the much more serious matter of facts-evasion.
From Gerry Brownlee:
Enjoy China. Anyone dares ask about the Panama Papers there and they'll get chopped faster than bok choi by an ethnic chef. With regard to your request for "bold, positive ideas", J, here are three. 1. Boldly attack Labour over their "future of work" bollocks. 2. Boldly lambast Labour over their crappy leadership and shite polling. 3. Positively launch a "brighter future for the changing face of NZ work conversation". Lock it in, will you? And tell those upstart dipshits at Treasury to pull their bloody heads in.
From Paula Bennett:
U are adisgrace. U shud be ashamed of yourselve. U mak me sick. Vomittyvomitty plonky blergh.
From Steven Joyce:
How about that poll? Further confirmation that the Northland byelection was a blip, that the party's strategic growth agenda is in safe hands, and that those who predicted the flag ballyhoo would damage you and the party were way off the mark - I won't name names, but probably Judith.
From Clayton Cosgrove:
Gidday John. Bloody hell. Clayton Cosgrove here, Mr C bloody C, soon to be former Labour Party Member of Parliament, very much in the same mould as Shane Jones, now Ambassador for Pacific Economic Development. Bloody hell. What an excellent job he's doing across the emerald-tinged bloody Pacific as a former Labour MP. He's doing important work for New Zealand. Bloody hell is he. On an unrelated note, I am chomping at the bit to do important work for New Zealand.
From Judith Collins:
Not something I'd noticed, but a constituent pointed out that in the month before the member for Papakura was reinstated to her role in Cabinet late last year, the Colmar Brunton poll for TVNZ put the gap between National and Labour at 16 points. This week, as the country celebrates the four-month anniversary of the member for Papakura's return to the top table, the same poll puts the gap at 22 points. It's not all down to her, I said to the constituent, but I did promise I'd forward the analysis on. Toodlepip!
From Nick Smith:
You asked for bold, positive ideas. I have three. 1. A special housing area in the Kermadecs. 2. A marine sanctuary in a special housing area. 3. Something about the Labour Party and the price of cauliflowers.
From Paula Bennett:
Geta life will you ive met staple removers with more personalty than you.
From Kyle Lockwood:
I couldn't help but notice your excellent polling result, and though it's not for me to say, I suspect that might have a little something to do with the rectangular jewellery that has adorned your bosom of late. Am I wrong? P.S. I have attached some ideas for a new anthem.
From Todd Barclay:
Bold, positive ideas? Yes, sir! How about new legislation that allows an elected member of parliament true power over his fiefdom, i.e. his constituency office? You know, something with a bit of genuine democratic muscle, empowering the people's elected representatives to use whatever means they deem necessary to discipline naughty, snivelly underlings.
From Jonathan Coleman:
Terrible night. Fever dreams. Laid out in Dunedin hospital, with Tony bloody Ryall cowering above me, dressed in scrubs and a tight-fitting Otago Highlanders jersey. He was spooning cauliflower porridge into my mouth with a cheese roll, squealing "Man up! Man up!" like a zombie clown. So I might be a bit late this morning.
From Richie McCaw:
I'm afraid it's the same answer as the governor-general thing. I just don't think I'm the best person to conduct a review of the NZ foreign trust disclosure regime.
From Paula Bennett:
Just realised it might not have been completely obvious - the emails I've been sending aren't from me, they're examples of the sort of online vitriol I've been receiving lately. Just wanted to clear that up.
From Winston Peters:
Well, well, well. I'm not saying I've read all 11.5 million Panama Papers, but I'm not saying I haven't. Sunlight, they say, is the best detergent, and gentle on the hands. You're the hat man, aren't you, and with all due respect it is demonstrably the case that the hat you're wearing today, sunshine, is the Panama hat. That's right. And let me tell you something else, you're talking out your Panama canal.