CAPRICORN (December 23-January 20)
All four Mercury retrogrades happen in Earth signs. Think about it, but not too hard. Anyway, the real issue at stake in 2016 is money. As in, not having enough. Things will reach crisis point earlier than you think; respond with flair, daring, and make sure you have an alibi. Love is hell. So is Wellington; avoid it at all costs. Like Key to a ponytail, you'll be drawn to seemingly innocent acts with an erotic undercurrent. Well, it'll make work interesting. Remember: no cameras.
AQUARIUS (January 21-February 19)
There's a word that comes to mind when you walk in the room - grump. God, you're such a grump! So stuck in your ways, going round in circles, boring everybody to tears with your dreary complaints.
But things take a radical turn for the better this year. Go for a walk, and break into a run. You really want to put some distance between yourself and the past. Consider moving to Ngaruawahia. A river runs through 2016 in a profound way that won't become apparent until winter. No one will recognise you this time next year. A sex change is as good as a rest.
PISCES (February 20-March 20)
January is a good time to get out and be social. Say hi to strangers at beaches, parks, bars. If you start to feel overwhelmed or frustrated, drink more. A cheap red is better than any white. Employment opportunities beckon in April. Investigate your motives. Power corrupts, but since when have you cared about morality? Absolute power suits the cut of your jib. A deepening family crisis will demand your attention. Go through the motions. What's happening in Pukekohe? You best find out; it's something to do with good luck, money, and a horse. What a dynamite year! Light the fuse now.
ARIES (March 21-April 20)
Calm down. You live in chaos, and that's where things get lost - your phone, your eftpos card, your sense of perspective. The root of the problem is you're self-absorbed. You soak up every detail of your life; you're a sponge that eats itself. But you also have very good qualities. You have brilliant ideas, you're loving, you're capable of an immense charm. The former will keep you employed and the latter will bring you love. You'll get close to a stranger. It only spells danger to someone in the way. They're furniture; you may as well remove them. Good news arrives from Westmere, but a relative shows up from Te Atatu.
TAURUS (April 21-May 21)
You'll be hysterically happy, often on holiday, and forever hanging with good-looking people ... on social media. But what's the truth behind the online version of yourself? An unmade bed. A plate of toast crumbs. An unopened letter on the floor from NZ Transport Agency. Put down that phone. Stop counting your likes and go outside. The birds are singing, and they're dying to hear your song, too. This is your year to embrace life and document nothing. Work hard, save your money, walk on the beach at Takapuna without giving those local business creeps a dime, and learn a craft, even if it's completing those 1000-piece jigsaws of tulips in a field.
GEMINI (May 22-June 21)
You've got talent to burn; the best thing to do is burn it. Don't stay still for a second, lest you see who you really are, a wailing child lost in the wood, who has never been happy or good. The people who you love the most wouldn't mind if you showed them how deeply you love them. Say it with flowers, also with nice presents and meals at expensive restaurants. The right people want to do you a favour. Tell them where to stick it; the wrong people are where it's at. Work like a dog. Eat like a pig. The key word for 2016 is: More. Unfortunately, you might have to go to Wellington.