What teenage drivers and zombies have in common

Photo / Jason Oxenham

It is that time of life when we currently have two teenage offspring setting out on the long and involved path towards getting the driver's licences. Parental stories of how easy it was "back then", when we were 15 are not helping, so to be of some actual use I have started making some of the questions they might face in their theory test a bit more, well, interesting.

Questions

1. You are Captain James T. Kirk, commanding the Starship Enterprise. You are approaching a school zone, with flashing lights on the speed limit sign. Do you: (a) engage impulse drive and reduce speed to ¼ the speed of light; (b) increase speed to warp 6 despite Scotty's protests that "she just canna take it" because a Klingon K't'inga-class bird of prey is closing fast; or (c) reduce speed to 40kph.

2. If you are Vin Diesel in the Fast and Furious movie franchise, for how many seconds must you indicate before making a lane change? (a) 3 seconds; (b) you are Vin Diesel in a Fast and Furious film, so the concepts of both "indicating" and "lanes", like the laws of physics, have no meaning in your world; (c) you do not have to indicate, as long as you are attempting to destroy all the vehicles in the other lane.

3. At an uncontrolled T-intersection, an Audi being driven by an alien from the Alien movie series is turning right from the terminating road. At precisely the same time another Audi, being driven by a terminator from the Terminator movie series, is turning right from the through road to the terminating road. Who has the right of way?

4. During your practical driving test you are driving in a 50kph zone when you observe in your rear-view mirror that the zombie apocalypse has started. Do you: (a) maintain a constant speed of between 45 and 50km/h; (b) increase your speed to 100km/h as you accelerate away from the pursuing horde of zombies because they are, like, the really fast zombies in the Brad Pitt film; or (c) throw the testing officer from the vehicle in order to buy you time, then ignore all road rules and pleas for help from pedestrians as you speed to safety?

5. Chris Pratt, in his role as Owen from Jurassic World, is driving a jeep, fleeing a dinosaur rampage, when at a crossroad intersection he is turning right from a give way sign. Opposite him is Chris Pratt as Starlord in his Guardians of the Galaxy spaceship, fleeing the Kree, going straight through the intersection but from a stop sign. Who has the right of way?

6. You are taking your practical road test in the RV from Breaking Bad. Which of the following counts as a fault towards a failed driving test? (a) you are driving a mobile meth lab; (b) there are two Mexican drug dealers, one dead, one near death, in the back of the RV; or (c) due to the fact the RV is complete crap, plus the added weight of the meth lab equipment plus the Mexican drug dealers, you cannot get the vehicle above 40km/h.

Answers

1. C - except when the Enterprise is caught in a Romulan tractor beam, at which time they are ultimately responsible for the vehicle's speed.

2. A, B or C because you are Vin Diesel and therefore the only answer that counts is "I am Vin Diesel".

3. Because both are driving Audis they will both automatically assume they have the right of way, but according to the letter of the law the Alien should give way to the Terminator. In reality, however, they will fight to the death and the intersection, along with much of the surrounding neighbourhood, will be obliterated in the process, meaning that there is no correct answer, just violence.

4. C - in the case of the zombie apocalypse the survival of the species takes precedence over all road rules.

5. In strict road rules terms, Owen has the right-of-way because even though he is turning right he is on a give way sign while Starlord is on a stop sign. In movie terms whoever is the closest to imminent destruction has the right-of-way. In metaphysical terms both should proceed with caution because if the two Chris Pratts collide then he will go back to being Andy Dwyer from Parks and Recreation.

6. C - because travelling more the 5km/h under the speed limit when unnecessary may cause other road users to become impatient with you and take unnecessary risks in attempting to pass, and here in New Zealand we take that sort of shit seriously, okay?

- Canvas